Dear Future Boyfriend Part Fifteen

Oh FB, I'm not gonna lie. I have become a grumpy single. Trust me this is not how I wanted things to turn out. I used to be the happy single. I was like the fun friend who didn't mind hanging around couples. I loved hearing about engagement stories and wedding planning. I was a joy to be around. And I hardly ever bemoaned my marital status. Because I always had faith that you were out there.

Then something changed. I'm guessing everyone who is single for an extended period of time goes through this phase. You're all happy-go-lucky and then suddenly there's an onslaught of Facebook couples, the ex you were always sure was a backup plan suddenly moves in with someone and you start wondering when did everyone move on with their lives and you're the last one on the single bus.* Then you realise it was probably when you were staying home for the third consecutive weekend on a Netflix and pizza binge.**

So instead of just getting on with life and waiting for things to happen as they should. I decided to conduct some research. By research I mean go on a lot more dates. I thought I'd help fate along. Instead of getting more exciting about the prospects out there, it made me a little sad. And a grumpy gills. The thing is, despite being a bit of a realistic I still hold out hope for that everlasting love, that constant butterflies in my stomach feeling. That ooh la la. I did not find it yet.

To be fair, many of these guys were great. Some were dicks. But the truth was, I was going into every new date with very unrealistic expectations of love. I'm not talking disney expectations which are next level. I'm talking about other pieces of media that made me believe.

And so I'd like to present to you, some movies, tv shows and comics that have given me unbridled hope and made me the way I am today. I apologise in advance for my attitude and for the reaction gifs.***

Sex & the City

This is a great show. It is very real. In most parts. We'll ignore how Carrie manages to live so lavishly on a writer's salary or the designer clothes. The situations and men they come across are very real. I have experienced some very similar situations that makes me paranoid. But what really got me was this statement from Big:

This is a great sentiment. But it's all lies. Like seriously. Lies. I have heard many women say this when looking for a partner. I have heard zero men say this is the number one quality they look for. Which kills me because I have jokes for days. Because of this line, I always assumed this would beat out a thigh gap. I can tell you from very personal experience, the thigh gap always wins.

X-men

I love X-men. I love Gambit. Like you known when most girls were getting turned on by Aladdin and other Disney princes, I had that same reaction to Gambit. And one of the things I really loved about him was his relationship with Rogue. Here was a girl who couldn't touch another person and he still loved her and (and this is the important one) he stuck around. Sure they had their ups and downs and obviously this would change depending on which canon/generation/series you were following but the one I am a fan of, they stay together.

I know there are many guys who are willing to wait and are okay with not doing adult stuff. These guys rule! 100 points for these guys. I also know there are just as many guys, probably more who will not stick around. And I know there are girls who won't either. After years of watching X-men and shipping this pairing my outlook has been ingrained with a guy like Gambit. He's cocky, a bit of a douche but he has this one redeeming quality that I love. Which is probably why when searching for a guy who values other things above physical stuff I actively ignore all the other crazy signs. I feel this one's on me and I am working on my issues.

What's Your Number

This is one of those movies not everyone was a fan of. I thought it was hilarious. The gist is Anna Faris does not want to sleep with any more guys so she goes looking for her future husband through her list of exes. Chris Evans is her neighbour who is half naked a lot of time and helps her. Naturally they end up together. And he has no issues with her number.

My problems with believing a movie like this...no one's neighbour is a hot guy who answers the door starkers. I have lived on my own for several years. My neighbours have always been older women. Not even a nipple slip. Also I have never heard of a guy who embraces a girl's number. I've met several guys who will embrace it for a night but who marry those girls, pffftt.

The Office (US)

Pam and Jim. I actually can't with this one. We get it. You guys are cute and meant to be. You work together, have the best wedding and continue to love each other. Enough!

Not only does this provide someone with unrealistic expectations of how much fun you can have at work all the time, it says that your perfect soulmate could be right under your nose. Have you ever taken a long hard look at the people you work with and realise one of them is who you will end up marrying. No thanks! This show is irresponsible.

I'm out!

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

*Obviously I know this is not true.
** Again not true.
*** I promise I will not be bitter and moody all the time. I just need to get this out of my system.

Images from here, here, here and here.

Dear Future Boyfriend Part Fourteen

Valentine’s Day is around the corner. Now it seems a lot of girls and guys actually do this thing where they say they don’t want anything for VD; it’s a stupid day. I’m not going to lie to you. The day is over the top but I want something.

Now this is where the easy bit comes in. I am easy. Not like that unless I’ve made my way through happy hour (that will all change when I meet you baby). I like little things. I like handmade things. I like sparkly things. Basically I like presents. So the way I react to a getting a small Snickers is very similar to the way I act when  receive a trip around the world. I am all about celebrating the little things and happy moments in life. Sidebar – this quality will either be endearing when you’re struggling to find some joy or it will be crazy annoying when you want to sulk and I tell you to count your blessings. The best part is we’ll only know once we’re older. It’s an adventure!

So when you and I are celebrating all those fabulous Valentine’s Days in the future, you’ll know that all you need to do to make me happy is give me a homemade card or a single rose or a box of Snickers and I’ll be swooning. But if you ever feel like you want to up the ante on VD then I have put together a list of some great romantic gestures from pop culture. Not trying to scare you or anything but holidays and special occasions with me are gonna blow your mind. You’ll want to be prepared.

Beauty and the Beast

At this point in the movie, Beast wants to do something a little special for Belle. She’s kinda feeling him but he and his boys knows, it’s the grand gesture that really wins the girl or at the very least shows exactly how you feel. So Beast does his research and thinks about what this lady would like; and he produces a libraby for her. As a self-confessed bookworm, there is no other way to drop those panties. Nice one!

Friends

Click to Enlarge

In a flashback, we get to see the extent of how much Ross cares for Rachel. When the poor girl is stood up right before her prom, he does the gallant thing and dresses up in his dad’s suit and gets ready to take her to the prom. Now we all now, that gesture didn’t go exactly as planned and they never went to prom together. Years later though Rachel was deeply touched and much, much later, they end up together for good. Because they’re each other’s lobsters!

Pride and Prejudice

Okay so first Mr Darcy storms in all hot and shit and proposes to Elizabeth Bennet. But he seems to forget that throughout all the time him and her have spent together he’s a big old dick. He thinks she should grateful by the proposal (which in those times, she should) but his way of admitting he loves her (but trying to repress it) fucks everything up. Lately as they get to know each other properly he finds a way to save her family from ill-repute and does a very generous thing. Again, in those times, their reputation was everything. And the best bit is, he doesn’t want any recognition for it. Humble, generous and sexy; 10 points for Mr Darcy.

The Notebook

Noah is one of those great guys who has so many awesome qualities that it’s hard to single out the one. So let’s not. Let’s go through each one of these gestures and marvel at what a great beacon of inspiration he is.

1. He builds Allie her dream house in the hope she’ll come back to him.

2. He knows how much she loves to paint so he creates an artist’s room for her to spend time with her passions.

3. He’s a bird because she’s a bird.

4. When they’re old and she suffers from Alzhemier’s, he checks into the same care home and spends each day reading their story to her in the hope it’ll all come back to her for a few moments when they’re just themselves again.

Noah and Allie forever.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh! 

Images from here, here and here. 

Dear Future Boyfriend Part Thirteen

There are some things I’m not willing to compromise on. These things include lying, cheating, murdering, listening to Simply Red and stealing. I wish this was where my dealbreakers end. Sadly we all know I have some issues so it’s a long list. These are separated into various categories. Some I will deny their very existence (like sport shirts on any day other than match day) while others will lead me to try and not lose my cool but slowly make me resent you and the life we lead together. Sexy isn’t it. But I suppose if you are the one and all that nonsense I will live with these quirks as long as you don’t do any of the serious ones above and also can deal with me side-eying you for all eternity. Love ya!

In no particular order these are things/qualities/attributes I would rather you not possess. Do your best and play along:

Be mean to wait staff

Pick your nose in public (I wish I could say ever but baby steps)

Throw a cigarette butt out the window

Be a vegan (Vegetarian I can handle, vegans are so smug)

Not like sports

Make fun of my singing (I know I am tone deaf, I know I cannot hold a tune, I know I sound terrible but I love it)

Take off your shoes in a public place (by public I mean shopping centres, movie theatres, restaurants. Beaches, parks and most outdoors places are okay)

Sign off your mails with “Ciao”. Even worse spell it “Chow”

Try and pronounce quesadillas in a Mexican accent

Preferring the American version of The Office over the British version

  

Give away TV, book and movie spoilers

Need to hold my hand all the time

Not have a favourite Beatles song

Have no kissing skills

Do not celebrate Christmas

Not eat bacon

Say you don’t cook/clean because that’s woman’s work

Be a coffee snob

Not be prepared to do a karaoke duet of A Whole New World

Keep correcting me when I pronounce quinoa as “keenwa”. I know what I’m saying mofo

Understand if Henry Cavil ever comes a-knocking it’s gonna happen. And by it I mean lots of adult stuff

Not drink (you *will* judge me)

Be weird around gay guys (trust me they’re not into you)

Not give me shit about not liking avocados (they are weird and have no taste)

Don’t watch series and/or movies about superheroes or medieval times as you prefer “real stories”. Bitch please

Doesn’t read this blog ;)

Now come on and date me!

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Dear Future Boyfriend Part Twelve

Here’s a confession: I know us girls are crazy. I am probably one of the worst. Luckily for you I try and keep it in. Unluckily, it might all burst out in a shooting rampage one day. But back to the majority of girls…We change our minds all the time. We say one thing but we really mean another. We need you to break our codes. Yes we talk in codes. 

All these little things mean that boys try so hard to do the right thing, to impress us, to make us happy and they have it all wrong. And thanks to fairytales, romantic comedies, some of the men of Sex & the City there is so much more pressure to treat us girls well. So to help you out a bit, at least in the romance stakes, I have drawn up some simple guide to romance with some helpful hints.

Setting the Mood

Candles? They work. All the time. Girls love flattering light. Therefore a few well-placed candles are the perfect setting when you want to be romantic. Note, a few. Not shitloads. Not only is it dangerous. It will take ages to light all of them.

This just says "Hi there, nice bedroom, let me take off my pants."

Rose petals? They do not work. What a waste. Flowers are nice (see below point) but spread all over my house and on my bed? No thanks. Let me clarify that again, all over my bed. Hell no! If it’s my bed, you can bet that linen is Egyptian cotton because we are no longer students and can afford to sleep on soft sheets. As soon as you put rose petals on there, you either ruin the mood by waiting to clean it all up *or* you get busy on top of the petals. And then they stain. My sheets. My expensive sheets that you didn’t even notice are now ruined.

Bunch of Flowers

I’m not a big flower girl. I think they are lovely and receiving a big bunch at work is a sure-fire way to make the office mean girl hate you even more but they die. Quickly. And before they die, they get grotty and smell. Oh the smell. Therefore if you want to surprise me with flowers, try something different like an orchid which is classic and timeless or tulips which are not always in season. If you got me tulips I know you mean business. Or just save us both some time and just get me cupcakes. Even better a bouquet of cupcakes. 

Hello Lover!

Gifts

Most girls, I assume, love presents. And the mere fact you were thinking of us goes a long way. But there are only so many times we can fake joy at receiving a bad gift. Areas you can stay in and you will excel in:

Lingerie because sometimes you get the really sexy stuff we would never buy ourselves in case the La Senza lady judges us.

Jewellery because if it sparkles, it can stay.

Spa Vouchers because you almost always go for a package deal which includes everything or you give us a monetary value so we can get our Gellish done and not feel bad we spent over R200 for two weeks

Sadly there are so many places you can go wrong. Particularly clothes and/or jewellery. If you really, really think your lover wants a sequined boob-tube or horrible granny scarf then please re-think your purpose in life. Call her best friend or find a suave gay guy and ask them for help. We appreciate the gesture but there are some things that will not fly and this is one of them. 

THIS IS A HELL NO!

Public Displays of Love/Affection

Firstly I am not talking about necking in a club or shopping mall. I am talking about those large-scale proposal type events that guys in movies do. These have ruined me and the rest of the world’s girls into thinking that out there is a guy out there who loves us so much he will get a bunch of friends to perform a Bruno Mars song for us. Now I cannot sugar coat this. We all do want this. And we want a Youtube video out of it as well. The only compromise I can say is it doesn’t have to be a Bruno Mars song. A Jason Mraz song works just as well :)

 

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh! 

Images from here, here, here, and  here.