Dear Future Boyfriend Part Fifteen

Oh FB, I'm not gonna lie. I have become a grumpy single. Trust me this is not how I wanted things to turn out. I used to be the happy single. I was like the fun friend who didn't mind hanging around couples. I loved hearing about engagement stories and wedding planning. I was a joy to be around. And I hardly ever bemoaned my marital status. Because I always had faith that you were out there.

Then something changed. I'm guessing everyone who is single for an extended period of time goes through this phase. You're all happy-go-lucky and then suddenly there's an onslaught of Facebook couples, the ex you were always sure was a backup plan suddenly moves in with someone and you start wondering when did everyone move on with their lives and you're the last one on the single bus.* Then you realise it was probably when you were staying home for the third consecutive weekend on a Netflix and pizza binge.**

So instead of just getting on with life and waiting for things to happen as they should. I decided to conduct some research. By research I mean go on a lot more dates. I thought I'd help fate along. Instead of getting more exciting about the prospects out there, it made me a little sad. And a grumpy gills. The thing is, despite being a bit of a realistic I still hold out hope for that everlasting love, that constant butterflies in my stomach feeling. That ooh la la. I did not find it yet.

To be fair, many of these guys were great. Some were dicks. But the truth was, I was going into every new date with very unrealistic expectations of love. I'm not talking disney expectations which are next level. I'm talking about other pieces of media that made me believe.

And so I'd like to present to you, some movies, tv shows and comics that have given me unbridled hope and made me the way I am today. I apologise in advance for my attitude and for the reaction gifs.***

Sex & the City

This is a great show. It is very real. In most parts. We'll ignore how Carrie manages to live so lavishly on a writer's salary or the designer clothes. The situations and men they come across are very real. I have experienced some very similar situations that makes me paranoid. But what really got me was this statement from Big:

This is a great sentiment. But it's all lies. Like seriously. Lies. I have heard many women say this when looking for a partner. I have heard zero men say this is the number one quality they look for. Which kills me because I have jokes for days. Because of this line, I always assumed this would beat out a thigh gap. I can tell you from very personal experience, the thigh gap always wins.

X-men

I love X-men. I love Gambit. Like you known when most girls were getting turned on by Aladdin and other Disney princes, I had that same reaction to Gambit. And one of the things I really loved about him was his relationship with Rogue. Here was a girl who couldn't touch another person and he still loved her and (and this is the important one) he stuck around. Sure they had their ups and downs and obviously this would change depending on which canon/generation/series you were following but the one I am a fan of, they stay together.

I know there are many guys who are willing to wait and are okay with not doing adult stuff. These guys rule! 100 points for these guys. I also know there are just as many guys, probably more who will not stick around. And I know there are girls who won't either. After years of watching X-men and shipping this pairing my outlook has been ingrained with a guy like Gambit. He's cocky, a bit of a douche but he has this one redeeming quality that I love. Which is probably why when searching for a guy who values other things above physical stuff I actively ignore all the other crazy signs. I feel this one's on me and I am working on my issues.

What's Your Number

This is one of those movies not everyone was a fan of. I thought it was hilarious. The gist is Anna Faris does not want to sleep with any more guys so she goes looking for her future husband through her list of exes. Chris Evans is her neighbour who is half naked a lot of time and helps her. Naturally they end up together. And he has no issues with her number.

My problems with believing a movie like this...no one's neighbour is a hot guy who answers the door starkers. I have lived on my own for several years. My neighbours have always been older women. Not even a nipple slip. Also I have never heard of a guy who embraces a girl's number. I've met several guys who will embrace it for a night but who marry those girls, pffftt.

The Office (US)

Pam and Jim. I actually can't with this one. We get it. You guys are cute and meant to be. You work together, have the best wedding and continue to love each other. Enough!

Not only does this provide someone with unrealistic expectations of how much fun you can have at work all the time, it says that your perfect soulmate could be right under your nose. Have you ever taken a long hard look at the people you work with and realise one of them is who you will end up marrying. No thanks! This show is irresponsible.

I'm out!

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

*Obviously I know this is not true.
** Again not true.
*** I promise I will not be bitter and moody all the time. I just need to get this out of my system.

Images from here, here, here and here.

Dear Future Boyfriend Part Thirteen

There are some things I’m not willing to compromise on. These things include lying, cheating, murdering, listening to Simply Red and stealing. I wish this was where my dealbreakers end. Sadly we all know I have some issues so it’s a long list. These are separated into various categories. Some I will deny their very existence (like sport shirts on any day other than match day) while others will lead me to try and not lose my cool but slowly make me resent you and the life we lead together. Sexy isn’t it. But I suppose if you are the one and all that nonsense I will live with these quirks as long as you don’t do any of the serious ones above and also can deal with me side-eying you for all eternity. Love ya!

In no particular order these are things/qualities/attributes I would rather you not possess. Do your best and play along:

Be mean to wait staff

Pick your nose in public (I wish I could say ever but baby steps)

Throw a cigarette butt out the window

Be a vegan (Vegetarian I can handle, vegans are so smug)

Not like sports

Make fun of my singing (I know I am tone deaf, I know I cannot hold a tune, I know I sound terrible but I love it)

Take off your shoes in a public place (by public I mean shopping centres, movie theatres, restaurants. Beaches, parks and most outdoors places are okay)

Sign off your mails with “Ciao”. Even worse spell it “Chow”

Try and pronounce quesadillas in a Mexican accent

Preferring the American version of The Office over the British version

  

Give away TV, book and movie spoilers

Need to hold my hand all the time

Not have a favourite Beatles song

Have no kissing skills

Do not celebrate Christmas

Not eat bacon

Say you don’t cook/clean because that’s woman’s work

Be a coffee snob

Not be prepared to do a karaoke duet of A Whole New World

Keep correcting me when I pronounce quinoa as “keenwa”. I know what I’m saying mofo

Understand if Henry Cavil ever comes a-knocking it’s gonna happen. And by it I mean lots of adult stuff

Not drink (you *will* judge me)

Be weird around gay guys (trust me they’re not into you)

Not give me shit about not liking avocados (they are weird and have no taste)

Don’t watch series and/or movies about superheroes or medieval times as you prefer “real stories”. Bitch please

Doesn’t read this blog ;)

Now come on and date me!

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Dear Future Boyfriend Part Nine

As you will soon find out about me, I take personal hygiene and style very importantly. I'm of the belief that feeling good doesn't necessarily start from the inside. In fact when I have my hair did, my nails painted and I smell ah-mazing I believe I run this world (I also have Beyonce on repeat).

Because I feel like this, I stupidly assumed so did everyone else. That bubble burst very quickly. Now as my journey to you is littered with men and boys sadly of a lesser-quality I have learnt that some males need a little help in the grooming department. I'm not saying you're one of them *but* just in case, I have jotted down some notes on styling I think you should know.

*Wash daily. A human basic you'd think but I have smelt enough men to know this is not the case.

*If you're gonna rock facial hair, you need to be serious. Make sure you know what you're working with and then take care of it. No girl wants to walk around with a guy who is sporting three errant hairs on his chin. If you take care of your hair, I'll take care of mine. Know what I'm saying!

*Wash your hair often. I'm not saying daily because it might not be able to handle it. But ensure it's clean. In my opinion very few women like the Robert Pattinson grease-ball look and even less of those women want to shag him.

*Further to that point, there is no thing as 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner. Whatever you knew about it before, forget it. it does not exist. If you cannot afford salon products, get your ass down to the pharmacy and just buy something legit. Nothing keeps those legs closed like a 2-in-1 combo.

*At this point in your life, you're a grown-ass man, not a pubescent horny teenage who bought into advertising. Stop using Axe. You can afford to get a really nice cologne or EDT, do it. Trust me on this, girls LOVE a man who smells nice. Personally I heart Cool Water for him and Boss Bottled, in case you were wondering ;)

*Fix your hands and feet. This should be a no-brainer but some boys are so oblivious. Feet are a serious dealbreaker. Hands I'm more relaxed about. Mainly because I walk around with chipped nailpolish all too often. But seriously if you're gonna be running your hands through our hair or doing other ahem stuff, make sure your digits are neatly filed and clean.

*Soap is not skincare.

*Very few men can pull off hats. I want to believe you're one of them. If you're not, bow out gracefully.

*I just want to touch lightly on clothing. It took me awhile to find out what works for my body so if you're still figuring out what it is, I won't hate on you. I will say hell to the no to the following: Crocs, denim shorts, silky boxers, sports shirts on any day that isn't match day, polo necks, socks with holes, vests unless under a shirt, combat pants, chunky boots, cartoon ties and mesh anything.

Just remember, despite all of this and contrary to what it seems like, I will love you for who you are.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

I'm Not Being A Bitch, I'm Just Honest

Helen from Bonding Over Lizards tagged Skinny Bitches with the Honest Scrap award. We heart awards. Thanks! And definitely go and check out her blog, it’s faboosh and every now and again she posts videos of awesome 90s songs. So here are my 10 honest things:

I’m afraid watching Private Practice has made me broody.

I really don’t like when people try and talk to me in lifts. I can be friendly and charming and funny but I select not to. Mostly I’m afraid I might use up some of my best material on people I’ll never see again.

I think one of the worst things a friend can make you do is join him/her and his/her significant other while they are still in the loved-up stages. Imagine watching a movie with a couple who are making out the entire time. Then imagine trying to talk about the movie afterwards and instead of answers getting giggles and sheepish smiles and them saying “Guess we missed that part.” Oh yes it’s happened.

For every straight guy I know, I know two gay ones. This has me worried.

I absolutely hate the phrase “Good value for your money” and I want to stab myself with a blunt spoon when I hear someone say it.

Nothing makes my heart more sore than saying no to people begging at robots, particularly when they are disabled or children.

The ultimate dealbreaker for me is someone pinching something off my plate without my permission. If you want some, ask, I will give it to you purely because you did not bug me and asked. If I’m having those prawn chips from Woolworths or sour worms you may not be so lucky but you never know.

If I ever had plastic surgery, I’d want to look like Rachel McAdams.

I’ve used the “I’m not a bitch. I’m just being honest” line numerous times and honestly, I was just being a bitch ;)

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Deal Breakers

If you haven't checked out The Soapbox yet then you're missing out. It is a fabulous new opinion blog published weekly. The best part is, anyone can contribute. All the deets can be found on the site.

To read my article on relationship deal breakers click here.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!