Dear Future Boyfriend Part Thirteen

There are some things I’m not willing to compromise on. These things include lying, cheating, murdering, listening to Simply Red and stealing. I wish this was where my dealbreakers end. Sadly we all know I have some issues so it’s a long list. These are separated into various categories. Some I will deny their very existence (like sport shirts on any day other than match day) while others will lead me to try and not lose my cool but slowly make me resent you and the life we lead together. Sexy isn’t it. But I suppose if you are the one and all that nonsense I will live with these quirks as long as you don’t do any of the serious ones above and also can deal with me side-eying you for all eternity. Love ya!

In no particular order these are things/qualities/attributes I would rather you not possess. Do your best and play along:

Be mean to wait staff

Pick your nose in public (I wish I could say ever but baby steps)

Throw a cigarette butt out the window

Be a vegan (Vegetarian I can handle, vegans are so smug)

Not like sports

Make fun of my singing (I know I am tone deaf, I know I cannot hold a tune, I know I sound terrible but I love it)

Take off your shoes in a public place (by public I mean shopping centres, movie theatres, restaurants. Beaches, parks and most outdoors places are okay)

Sign off your mails with “Ciao”. Even worse spell it “Chow”

Try and pronounce quesadillas in a Mexican accent

Preferring the American version of The Office over the British version

  

Give away TV, book and movie spoilers

Need to hold my hand all the time

Not have a favourite Beatles song

Have no kissing skills

Do not celebrate Christmas

Not eat bacon

Say you don’t cook/clean because that’s woman’s work

Be a coffee snob

Not be prepared to do a karaoke duet of A Whole New World

Keep correcting me when I pronounce quinoa as “keenwa”. I know what I’m saying mofo

Understand if Henry Cavil ever comes a-knocking it’s gonna happen. And by it I mean lots of adult stuff

Not drink (you *will* judge me)

Be weird around gay guys (trust me they’re not into you)

Not give me shit about not liking avocados (they are weird and have no taste)

Don’t watch series and/or movies about superheroes or medieval times as you prefer “real stories”. Bitch please

Doesn’t read this blog ;)

Now come on and date me!

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

I Just Want Your Extra Time and Your...

So New Girl. Like woah! If you’ve caught up with season two you know what I’m talking about. If not, you need to do your thang and get on it.

So there are one or two spoilers here and for that I’m sorry but what a kiss right?! I think every girl (and guy) wants to be part of something so passionate, exciting, soft and still unbelievably sexy. If anyone knows if I can sign up for something like that or if guys are looking to practise those type of skills, all I can say is…

In honour of *that* kiss, here are my (other)  fantasy kisses from TV and movies.

Bridget and Mark Darcy

There’s this moment when you’re with someone new and you’re eagerly awaiting the first kiss. Whether it’s a dinner date, dancing in a nightclub (not that I have any experience with that :p), in the back row at the movies or sitting in the car delaying goodbyes. In this moment, both of you know what’s about to happen and all of a sudden there are tongues and hands everywhere. It’s a great moment. In Bridget Jones’ Diary, this moment keeps getting delayed because Bridge like other girls wants this moment to be absolutely perfect. Also when you’re single and a catch like Mark Darcy comes along you seal the deal with the seksi knickers. 

As we all know, we think she has blown it when he picks up her diary and reads what she previously thought of him. Up next comes a run through the snow and a meeting where he becomes even more adorable than previously. And then they go in for the kill. This is one of those kisses made up of little bits of deliciousness. When Bridge is all like nice guys don’t kiss like that, he’s all like “Oh yes, they fucking do.”

Ross and Rachel

Do you remember how long we waited for this to happen. Gawd damn, this took forever. And when it happened it was so worth it. The first kiss was very good, it was raining, they were alone in the dark, it was tense and hot. The kiss I am actually referring to is their second kiss. After Ross messes up the situation, they become estranged and nothing happens forever.

Then after trying to convince her that they belong together – they are each other’s lobster after all – she still doesn’t budge. What it takes is a trip down memory lane where a young Ross as a modern day knight in a shiny suit comes to the rescue of the damsel in distress. Obviously Rachel had no idea this was going down and Ross didn’t really have the opportunity to “save” her. But the intention was there. And then it was all about that slow, sultry, wordless walk Rachel did to reach Ross. And then, fireworks.

Tim and Dawn

When a TV show starts and we get two characters who are obviously meant for each other we cannot help but wonder when is it going to happen. We never ask ourselves, should it happen. A lot of shows tend to jump the shark when putting together our favourite characters and as a result the show can get a bit lame. It’s almost like the “will they, won’t they” is more exciting than their actual relationships. 

One show which made it seem like they were NEVER getting together was The Office. The British one for the TV connoisseurs out there. They did two seasons and it looked like there was never going to be a happily ever for Tim and Dawn. And then the Christmas special happened. Like every festive season-themed, things got good. They had that same old chemistry. They laughed. They were perfect together. Until it looked like nothing was going to happen. Again. Then thanks to the most appropriate secret santa gift, Dawn saw that it was and always would be about Tim. Set to the backdrop of Yazoo’s Only You this scene makes me all teary and questions if anyone is cutting onions.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh! 

Images via here, here and here.

Dear Future Boyfriend

Dear Future Boyfriend

As someone who is happily single I have found myself surprisingly warming up to the idea of having a significant other. I hear a lot of good things from friends and work colleagues and then there’s the pop culture influence that always weighs heavy on me. Who wouldn’t want a guy like Jim from The Office and Bruno Mars would catch a frikkin’ grenade for you. Hello, these are clearly eligible boys.

But before I actually commit to anything serious or even begin to think about sharing my life, my thoughts, my food I want the lucky (?) guy out there to be perfect. Now it’s a lot to ask but hopefully if this is my one true love they’ll understand. So Future Boyfriend, wherever you are, please adhere to the following guidelines:

*I like attention so if you have a guitar and/or a piano, please sing to me. I’d prefer in the privacy of my own home but elaborate scenes like the one in 10 Things I Hate About You could also work. If you are looking for a good song choice, Elvis Costello does one with my name in it otherwise something rocking like You Shook Me All Night Long would be totally hot. If you’re looking for songs to avoid anything by Eric Clapton because some of his songs are about another man’s wife and John Mayer ‘cause he makes sex faces when he sings them.

*If we go out for nachos and I’ve told you to order your own plate because I have a deep relationship with food, do it. If you don’t and eat off my plate I will go diva. Think about how much you like your kneecaps and how sad it will be if you guys had to part. Seriously, this relationship I have with food is for reals.

*I don’t plan on kissing you near your ears. So I won’t mind if you don’t reciprocate. This is an issue that stems from when I worked at a beauty spa and saw someone having their ears candled. It’s not a pretty process and the amount of wax that is in your ear freaks me out. So let’s avoid that area.

*Pet names can rock. I love when people call me princess, miss thang or even just skinny. You and I will need to work on our pet names. Babe is too overused and lovey gives me the chills. It would be nice to have a secret one only we’d get but with that comes the elaborate story we’d have to tell our friends and then it ruins that whole exclusivity vibe. So to make it easier on you (‘cause so far I haven’t) I’ll settle for My Girl or My Lady or even My Hot Sexy Bitch but with that last one the first two parts are uber important.

If this hasn’t scared you off Future Boyfriend, then I’ll know you’re the one.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!