Dear Future Boyfriend
As someone who is happily single I have found myself surprisingly warming up to the idea of having a significant other. I hear a lot of good things from friends and work colleagues and then there’s the pop culture influence that always weighs heavy on me. Who wouldn’t want a guy like Jim from The Office and Bruno Mars would catch a frikkin’ grenade for you. Hello, these are clearly eligible boys.
But before I actually commit to anything serious or even begin to think about sharing my life, my thoughts, my food I want the lucky (?) guy out there to be perfect. Now it’s a lot to ask but hopefully if this is my one true love they’ll understand. So Future Boyfriend, wherever you are, please adhere to the following guidelines:
*I like attention so if you have a guitar and/or a piano, please sing to me. I’d prefer in the privacy of my own home but elaborate scenes like the one in 10 Things I Hate About You could also work. If you are looking for a good song choice, Elvis Costello does one with my name in it otherwise something rocking like You Shook Me All Night Long would be totally hot. If you’re looking for songs to avoid anything by Eric Clapton because some of his songs are about another man’s wife and John Mayer ‘cause he makes sex faces when he sings them.
*If we go out for nachos and I’ve told you to order your own plate because I have a deep relationship with food, do it. If you don’t and eat off my plate I will go diva. Think about how much you like your kneecaps and how sad it will be if you guys had to part. Seriously, this relationship I have with food is for reals.
*I don’t plan on kissing you near your ears. So I won’t mind if you don’t reciprocate. This is an issue that stems from when I worked at a beauty spa and saw someone having their ears candled. It’s not a pretty process and the amount of wax that is in your ear freaks me out. So let’s avoid that area.
*Pet names can rock. I love when people call me princess, miss thang or even just skinny. You and I will need to work on our pet names. Babe is too overused and lovey gives me the chills. It would be nice to have a secret one only we’d get but with that comes the elaborate story we’d have to tell our friends and then it ruins that whole exclusivity vibe. So to make it easier on you (‘cause so far I haven’t) I’ll settle for My Girl or My Lady or even My Hot Sexy Bitch but with that last one the first two parts are uber important.
If this hasn’t scared you off Future Boyfriend, then I’ll know you’re the one.
Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!
