My Life In Gifs: Speed Dating Special

I am a happy single girl. Not one of those "why won't he love me", "when am I getting married", "why am I all alone", and the worse "I'll just get some cats". 

So when it comes to boys and dating I like it but I am not obsessed about being with someone. Saying that there are times when I want someone to hold my hand at the movies or make out with at bars or really just bring me coffee in bed and tell me I’m pretty. Usually my girls and gays give sufficient attention enough but hardly any of them will make out with me. So perhaps I need less selfish friends.

So along with one of my buddies we decided to try out speed dating. Now I am good at talking shit for 5 minutes with anyone but even I was nervous about this experience. But because I had nothing to lose (except my dignity) I doubled-up the gin and got my speed dating on.

Bachelor 1 – Hot Asian Guy

Now as you know I have a dream of one day having an Asian baby of my own. So you can imagine my joy when the first guy I sat down with was Asian. Not to mention a Hot Asian. It was like ding, ding, ding, jackpot! He was very sweet, a little nervous but he laughed at my jokes. Also we have a love of food blogs. Can you imagine our beautiful little Asian babies running around while we look at Desserts for Breakfast.

Bachelor 2 – The Good Guy

Next up was a guy whose family tree is filled with designers, fashion, graphic and interior. And then him. He chose to be a teacher. And not just any teacher, he helps the underprivileged. He visits Tsunami kids in Thailand and teaches sports outreach to kids in townships. Swoon! These may be all lines but trust me, they worked!

Bachelor 3 – The IT Guy

You know that IT guy in your company that is nice and all but there’s not much there and you’re only really chatting to them because they download Game of Thrones in HD; that was this guy. He was nice but unless I need new episodes of The Good Wife I don’t see love in our future.

Bachelor 4 – The Foreign Guy

Remember in the World Cup when there were all these cute guys from different countries and it was up to us girls to make them feel at home? Oh? Just me then? Whoops. Well at least I was a good ambassador. This guy travels around a lot and does year stints in different countries. I am sure we bonded but I think I was too distracted by his accent. If he were to call me and say random words, it would be a very long term relationship.

Bachelor 5 – The Hard-to-Read Guy

Sometimes when I go out to very hipster places I feel I have to act like them. Which means I have to be unimpressed and act nonchalant about all the cool things we are doing. Sometimes I really don’t care; sometimes I am pretending. That is how I felt about this guy. He was either very depressed to be there or playing so cool, he was Vanilla Ice. Also he doesn’t watch 30 Rock so that made up my mind.

Bachelor 6 – The Bleh Guy

Urggh. No words. Actually a few words. Do not give me lectures about 80s music. Do not get all offended when I don’t know the year Love Will Tear Us Apart was released. And do not look like a hot silver fox with a beard and delicious biceps whilst being a douche.

Bachelor 7 – The Prospective Guy

We bonded over the British version of The Office, we laughed about the people who go to Tiger (even though we both spent misguided years of our youth there), about the amount of Hen Parties at Decodance and how no one wants to hear play-by-play commentary on toddler’s bowel movements on Facebook. Me likey.

So for a first foray, I give speed-dating a big thumbs up!

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Dear Future Boyfriend, Part Eight

I’ve prepared for you to come into my life and shake up my mundane life like in Pleasantville where they discover dirty things and life changes from black and white to full-on colour. I cannot wait for that time. But I realise you may not have planned for me to enter your life. Yes, I know we’re meant to be and we complete each other but in all honestly, sharing your life, even if it’s your soul-mate can be an adjustment.

When we meet I’m kinda hoping we go straight to the honeymoon phase. And when we eventually decide to move in together (as a trial for our perfect marriage), it’s going to be “christening” the flat in every available yet comfortable surface and giggling while we unpack boxes and covering each other’s noses in toxic paint like a stock photo. What I don’t want is our crazy habits and mannerisms to get in the way so we become that awkward couple no one can bare to be around.

you and me in our first place. if i get really skinny and dye my hair and grow. but you get the gist.

To alleviate some tensions now, I’ve decided to jot down a few things I’m good at and some I’m very bad at. Just so you know, you can prepare and stuff. And in case you’re wondering, yes, being considerate is one I’m very good at. You’re welcome!

Things I’m good at:

- Pop culture references. These skills not only make my banter witty but also help when faced with the Film and Television category at pub quizzes.
- Kissing.

just the natural state of my lips. always ready for a make-out session.

- Cleaning. Not crazy obsessive but a little crazy. You’re allowed to have drinks without coasters and I won’t freak out if the dishes aren’t done. A week later I might say something though.
- Butter chicken. For reals.
- Keeping my crazy inside. You’re gonna think you’ve hit the jackpot when I don’t get jealous or freak out when you don’t call. Really I’m keeping my crazy inside so I don’t scare you off. But be careful as you’ll find out below.
- 80s song lyrics. I know an assortment from Salt-N-Pepa to the Footloose soundtrack to some Joy Division.
- Hand massages. And by hand I mean the one with five fingers. I should actually say manicures. I’ll totes soak your hands, do your cuticles and finish off with a nice buff and polish.
- Remembering to buy milk. Do not underestimate this.
- Taking off my make-up before going to bed. You’ll thank me when we’re older.
- Being nice to parents.

Things I’m bad at:

- Money. Not others which you’ll be pleased to hear. But mine. A teeny problem if we plan on having a joint account.
- Cuddling. I know I’m a bad example of the female species but I much prefer my space and love to stretch out. It’s a lot harder for me to feel comfortable if you want to spoon for several hours. I don’t fall asleep, I lie there wondering if you can feel my belly fat or whether my hair is in your face.

my perfect sleeping situation.

- Not keeping my waxing appointment. I get busy and then my favourite therapist is unavailable and I cannot just go flashing my area to just anyone and then the thought of hot wax…let’s just say there are other things I’d rather do.
- Failing to keep my crazy inside. Normally I’m quite good at it but every now and again things get too much and I go a little Courtney Love.
- Talking too much.
- Never taking out the rubbish.
- Forgetting to switch off plugs.
- Choreography. Think we’re going to have to do one of those funny Youtube wedding videos to Smack My Bitch Up because this bitch cannot waltz.
- Understanding rugby. But this won’t bother you. After all, as you’re my FB you like football.
- Eating neatly. Not a meal goes by without me spilling on my clothes or crumbs in my hair.
- Video games. Unless we’re talking about Wii. Then I kill it.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

All By Myself*

*Excuse the moany, feeling-sorry-myself title. This is not a woe-is-me blog post. It’s a bit moany but nothing so sad it’ll make the reader even want to do a razor-blade action.


In one of my favourite Sex and the City episodes Carrie and Aidan have just moved in together and it takes a little adjusting. Carrie then laments to the girls about how she misses so many things she couldn’t do before she had a dude hanging around her place. This in turn leads the other girls to reveal some of their private activities they love to do. Sometimes it just seems like there are some things that feel better when done alone like…

…going to the movies by yourself. Yes it’s awesome with a date but there’s something absolutely fabulous when it’s just you. Maybe it’s because you don’t have to pretend to like arty, clever movies and can see what you really want (One ticket for Fast and Furious Five please!) Maybe it’s because you can overload your popcorn with salt ‘n’ vinegar flavouring and no one makes passive aggressive comments. Whatever the reasoning, it is something to be relished.

…making a big pot of pasta and then sitting down to watch Julie and Julia. The story behind this is, one day one of my gays gave me a copy of J&J. He also instructed me not to watch it without a vast supply of food at the ready. Knowing the paltry ingredients in my fridge weren’t going to cut it, I bought some fancy stuff to make one of those creamy tomato-based pastas with lots of bacon and feta. The results were magical.

…playing cheesy music and cleaning the house. I’d love to be able to have someone clean my flat but for some reason I get a little joy from cleaning it myself. Maybe it’s because I use the opportunity to parade in short shorts and yellow gloves – once a fashionista, always a fashionista – but more likely it’s the fact that I was forced to help my mother clean our house and I haven’t gotten out of the routine yet. Saying that I’m not really a neat and tidy person and there are days when my sink is flooded with dishes. But once I get that feeling, helped on by playing the best and worst of the 80s, I’m in my zone. And all of a sudden I cannot stop until there’s no mildew on the bathroom tiles or until all the wax has been cleared from the mantelpiece. I'd like to admit I'm a cleaning machine but after years of living with her, that title will always belong to my mother.

Your fave all-by-myself pastimes?

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Dear Future Boyfriend

Dear Future Boyfriend

As someone who is happily single I have found myself surprisingly warming up to the idea of having a significant other. I hear a lot of good things from friends and work colleagues and then there’s the pop culture influence that always weighs heavy on me. Who wouldn’t want a guy like Jim from The Office and Bruno Mars would catch a frikkin’ grenade for you. Hello, these are clearly eligible boys.

But before I actually commit to anything serious or even begin to think about sharing my life, my thoughts, my food I want the lucky (?) guy out there to be perfect. Now it’s a lot to ask but hopefully if this is my one true love they’ll understand. So Future Boyfriend, wherever you are, please adhere to the following guidelines:

*I like attention so if you have a guitar and/or a piano, please sing to me. I’d prefer in the privacy of my own home but elaborate scenes like the one in 10 Things I Hate About You could also work. If you are looking for a good song choice, Elvis Costello does one with my name in it otherwise something rocking like You Shook Me All Night Long would be totally hot. If you’re looking for songs to avoid anything by Eric Clapton because some of his songs are about another man’s wife and John Mayer ‘cause he makes sex faces when he sings them.

*If we go out for nachos and I’ve told you to order your own plate because I have a deep relationship with food, do it. If you don’t and eat off my plate I will go diva. Think about how much you like your kneecaps and how sad it will be if you guys had to part. Seriously, this relationship I have with food is for reals.

*I don’t plan on kissing you near your ears. So I won’t mind if you don’t reciprocate. This is an issue that stems from when I worked at a beauty spa and saw someone having their ears candled. It’s not a pretty process and the amount of wax that is in your ear freaks me out. So let’s avoid that area.

*Pet names can rock. I love when people call me princess, miss thang or even just skinny. You and I will need to work on our pet names. Babe is too overused and lovey gives me the chills. It would be nice to have a secret one only we’d get but with that comes the elaborate story we’d have to tell our friends and then it ruins that whole exclusivity vibe. So to make it easier on you (‘cause so far I haven’t) I’ll settle for My Girl or My Lady or even My Hot Sexy Bitch but with that last one the first two parts are uber important.

If this hasn’t scared you off Future Boyfriend, then I’ll know you’re the one.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

An Open Letter To...

…the creators of chick-flicks. You have ruined my life. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy your movies immensely, I watch them all the time and thus have a horrible romantic life.

I waste so much time looking for guys with sparkly skin or secret royal lineages in the hope that I can be the one who makes a difference in their lives, you know be “the only thing that’s real” or at least get them to go outside and strip. Shiny things make me happy.

I am probably ignoring dozens of perfectly eligible men because I’m on the lookout for boys with posh British accents who are willing to partake in sad attempts of fighting for my honour. Never mind that these same guys will cheat on me with skinny-ass tanned women or that they prefer a little something-something from ladies of the night, Hugh Grant I’m talking to you, I’m hooked.

I dance my ass off at clubs because I have come to believe many hot guys are not only sensitive souls but can also bust a move and one day we’ll end up doing choreography in a street together.

I want to wait in the rain because I’ve learnt not only will I look radiant and my mascara won’t run but that guy, the one that got away will find me and we’ll have a moment and kiss and totally ignore the fact my shirt is see-through.

You have convinced me that a kiss is a gazillion times better when it’s accompanied by a killer soundtrack. Also running into each other’s arms makes for great dramatic moments. On a side-note, have you ever tried that? It’s hard to master and if you’re out of sync, teeth bash, foreheads bump and someone lands up on the floor.

I also fear that when I do find love without an elaborate gesture I may not believe it. If there is no guy with cue cards telling me I’m perfect or a John Cusack look-a-like holding up a classic 80s song on a boombox, how will I know if it’s real. If a guy is not willing to slay an evil sea witch or go to prison ‘cause some little bitch of a sister falsely accused him of something then I’m gonna eject his ass.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Image from here.

Monday's Mantra

This week I need to prioritise otherwise I will be left behind.
I believe playing Livin’ on a Prayer guarantees you a good morning.
I’m addicted to Vampire Diaries and the yummy Salvatore brothers.
I wish cute boys wouldn't stand behind me when I'm asking the pharmacist something embarrassing.
I’m jealous of people with tiny calves.
Soundtrack/Mantra for the week Relax, Take It Easy

Things I've Realised...

I just need to hear the theme song from Flashdance and all I want to do is dance.

I really like being single but, I wouldn’t mind someone telling me I’m pretty every now and again and holding my hand at the movies.

Jennifer Aniston chooses the wrong movies.

Sometimes all you need is a little faith.

Drinking in the afternoon is awesome.

I’m going to start taking more risks.

Even though I struggle to get up in the morning, I am really starting to like gym.

I miss my number one gay best friend. Come to Cape Town please!

Whenever I’m feeling sad, fat, fugly and as if I have no direction, the opening scene of The Devil Wears Prada perks me right up. I’m so gonna be one of those women when I grow up.

I never want to hear the phrase “I have a large phallus.” It was overheard in the kitchen, repeated to me and now I am disturbed.

Popcorn with salt ‘n’ vinegar flavouring: delish. Inhaling salt ‘n’ vinegar flavoring by mistake: not as delish. In fact kinda painful.

Happy Thursday!

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Weekend Highlights

Friday…it was my younger brother’s birthday so we all went out for din dins at Royale. Had the most amazing burger with pepperdews and mustard sauce. And of course, the sweet potato chips. They are reason enough to go there.

Saturday…Skinny Bitches got treated to brekkie by the older brother at Viola! at Cape Quarter. Had a fabulous omelette, a skinny latte and then did some walking around. It was also Pride so we watched the floats and cheered the gays on! A little later we went to the spa. Blue Eyes was lucky enough to get a hot stone massage. I was not as lucky as my appointment was for a bit of waxing. A quick cocktail at Primi – drinking in the afternoon is soooo much fun - and then we had to get ready for Decodance. We had an awesome time dancing to the 80s and 90s. And there are lots of nice boys too. Definitely going to be one of our regular haunts. Also discovered Bohemian Rhapsody is one of the few songs everyone knows the words too…Mama I just killed a man.

Sunday…aka the hottest day ever. We were invited to a friend’s birthday party which consisted of pizza, drinks, ice-cream and a pool. In 38 degree heat, I don’t think I need to go on.

What was your weekend like?

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Things I've Realised...

...I ♥ Cape Town and am so lucky to live here. Not sure whether it's the weather, the beautiful people, the vibe in Long Street, the 80s partie, Charley's Bakery or sundowners at La Med. This is where I belong.

...No matter who it belongs to, ass crack is never a good look.

...Having a latte is great. Having the Vida guys send you a latte (with one sweetner already added) because you're such a good client is awesome and can change your day.

...That squeaky noise my car is making is not good.

...A little bit of holly and fairy lights make a flat feel very christmassy.

...I'm really lucky to have a flatmate who gets me. Whether it be my love for boyband music, the need to watch Love Actually over and over again or the fact that I don't have to share my bag of crisps because we both got our own is awesome.

...No matter what anyone tells you, if your job involves receiving gift bags at the end of it, its definitely glam.

Have a great day bitches!

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!