My Life In Gifs: Speed Dating Special

I am a happy single girl. Not one of those "why won't he love me", "when am I getting married", "why am I all alone", and the worse "I'll just get some cats". 

So when it comes to boys and dating I like it but I am not obsessed about being with someone. Saying that there are times when I want someone to hold my hand at the movies or make out with at bars or really just bring me coffee in bed and tell me I’m pretty. Usually my girls and gays give sufficient attention enough but hardly any of them will make out with me. So perhaps I need less selfish friends.

So along with one of my buddies we decided to try out speed dating. Now I am good at talking shit for 5 minutes with anyone but even I was nervous about this experience. But because I had nothing to lose (except my dignity) I doubled-up the gin and got my speed dating on.

Bachelor 1 – Hot Asian Guy

Now as you know I have a dream of one day having an Asian baby of my own. So you can imagine my joy when the first guy I sat down with was Asian. Not to mention a Hot Asian. It was like ding, ding, ding, jackpot! He was very sweet, a little nervous but he laughed at my jokes. Also we have a love of food blogs. Can you imagine our beautiful little Asian babies running around while we look at Desserts for Breakfast.

Bachelor 2 – The Good Guy

Next up was a guy whose family tree is filled with designers, fashion, graphic and interior. And then him. He chose to be a teacher. And not just any teacher, he helps the underprivileged. He visits Tsunami kids in Thailand and teaches sports outreach to kids in townships. Swoon! These may be all lines but trust me, they worked!

Bachelor 3 – The IT Guy

You know that IT guy in your company that is nice and all but there’s not much there and you’re only really chatting to them because they download Game of Thrones in HD; that was this guy. He was nice but unless I need new episodes of The Good Wife I don’t see love in our future.

Bachelor 4 – The Foreign Guy

Remember in the World Cup when there were all these cute guys from different countries and it was up to us girls to make them feel at home? Oh? Just me then? Whoops. Well at least I was a good ambassador. This guy travels around a lot and does year stints in different countries. I am sure we bonded but I think I was too distracted by his accent. If he were to call me and say random words, it would be a very long term relationship.

Bachelor 5 – The Hard-to-Read Guy

Sometimes when I go out to very hipster places I feel I have to act like them. Which means I have to be unimpressed and act nonchalant about all the cool things we are doing. Sometimes I really don’t care; sometimes I am pretending. That is how I felt about this guy. He was either very depressed to be there or playing so cool, he was Vanilla Ice. Also he doesn’t watch 30 Rock so that made up my mind.

Bachelor 6 – The Bleh Guy

Urggh. No words. Actually a few words. Do not give me lectures about 80s music. Do not get all offended when I don’t know the year Love Will Tear Us Apart was released. And do not look like a hot silver fox with a beard and delicious biceps whilst being a douche.

Bachelor 7 – The Prospective Guy

We bonded over the British version of The Office, we laughed about the people who go to Tiger (even though we both spent misguided years of our youth there), about the amount of Hen Parties at Decodance and how no one wants to hear play-by-play commentary on toddler’s bowel movements on Facebook. Me likey.

So for a first foray, I give speed-dating a big thumbs up!

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Dear Future Boyfriend, Part Seven

Dear Future Boyfriend part Seven

Wherever you are, you need to come out and make a move.

And that’s not because I’m getting sick of the single life. I actually dread the day I’ll have to stop spending my Friday nights with my Will & Grace boxset wearing nothing but my old college top and my fat pants. Or when I have to start sharing my life, feelings and even worse my food with a boy. It’s not because I’m ready for you and I to be together.



It’s because I want you to mark your ground.

Despite what I think about my thighs and that no one will love me with my frizzy hair, there turns out to a number of demographics that find me appealing. As I found out over this past weekend. As I parked in town to do some work stuff, I car guard told me I make all the men in Cape Town cry because of broken hearts. Later when I arrived home, a truck driver told me to be careful with my booty. When I was out, a homosexual told me I looked “Fierce” and snapped his fingers. But that happens all the time, I have my gays trained.

And then this morning, I was at the shops. Just doing my bidness when not one, but two gentlemen of an older nature looked me up and down and either made a suggestive gesture or comment. One was even with his wife. Yes it was unbelievably creepy and I should have said something. But a girl’s still got to eat.

So while you’re out saving humanity (tip: I’d really like you to be a human rights lawyer but I can also handle activist as long as we’re not poor) please consider that the future love of your life is being hit on by car guards, the gays and geriatrics.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

All By Myself*

*Excuse the moany, feeling-sorry-myself title. This is not a woe-is-me blog post. It’s a bit moany but nothing so sad it’ll make the reader even want to do a razor-blade action.


In one of my favourite Sex and the City episodes Carrie and Aidan have just moved in together and it takes a little adjusting. Carrie then laments to the girls about how she misses so many things she couldn’t do before she had a dude hanging around her place. This in turn leads the other girls to reveal some of their private activities they love to do. Sometimes it just seems like there are some things that feel better when done alone like…

…going to the movies by yourself. Yes it’s awesome with a date but there’s something absolutely fabulous when it’s just you. Maybe it’s because you don’t have to pretend to like arty, clever movies and can see what you really want (One ticket for Fast and Furious Five please!) Maybe it’s because you can overload your popcorn with salt ‘n’ vinegar flavouring and no one makes passive aggressive comments. Whatever the reasoning, it is something to be relished.

…making a big pot of pasta and then sitting down to watch Julie and Julia. The story behind this is, one day one of my gays gave me a copy of J&J. He also instructed me not to watch it without a vast supply of food at the ready. Knowing the paltry ingredients in my fridge weren’t going to cut it, I bought some fancy stuff to make one of those creamy tomato-based pastas with lots of bacon and feta. The results were magical.

…playing cheesy music and cleaning the house. I’d love to be able to have someone clean my flat but for some reason I get a little joy from cleaning it myself. Maybe it’s because I use the opportunity to parade in short shorts and yellow gloves – once a fashionista, always a fashionista – but more likely it’s the fact that I was forced to help my mother clean our house and I haven’t gotten out of the routine yet. Saying that I’m not really a neat and tidy person and there are days when my sink is flooded with dishes. But once I get that feeling, helped on by playing the best and worst of the 80s, I’m in my zone. And all of a sudden I cannot stop until there’s no mildew on the bathroom tiles or until all the wax has been cleared from the mantelpiece. I'd like to admit I'm a cleaning machine but after years of living with her, that title will always belong to my mother.

Your fave all-by-myself pastimes?

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Post Secret of The Week

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Dear Future Boyfriend

Dear Future Boyfriend

As someone who is happily single I have found myself surprisingly warming up to the idea of having a significant other. I hear a lot of good things from friends and work colleagues and then there’s the pop culture influence that always weighs heavy on me. Who wouldn’t want a guy like Jim from The Office and Bruno Mars would catch a frikkin’ grenade for you. Hello, these are clearly eligible boys.

But before I actually commit to anything serious or even begin to think about sharing my life, my thoughts, my food I want the lucky (?) guy out there to be perfect. Now it’s a lot to ask but hopefully if this is my one true love they’ll understand. So Future Boyfriend, wherever you are, please adhere to the following guidelines:

*I like attention so if you have a guitar and/or a piano, please sing to me. I’d prefer in the privacy of my own home but elaborate scenes like the one in 10 Things I Hate About You could also work. If you are looking for a good song choice, Elvis Costello does one with my name in it otherwise something rocking like You Shook Me All Night Long would be totally hot. If you’re looking for songs to avoid anything by Eric Clapton because some of his songs are about another man’s wife and John Mayer ‘cause he makes sex faces when he sings them.

*If we go out for nachos and I’ve told you to order your own plate because I have a deep relationship with food, do it. If you don’t and eat off my plate I will go diva. Think about how much you like your kneecaps and how sad it will be if you guys had to part. Seriously, this relationship I have with food is for reals.

*I don’t plan on kissing you near your ears. So I won’t mind if you don’t reciprocate. This is an issue that stems from when I worked at a beauty spa and saw someone having their ears candled. It’s not a pretty process and the amount of wax that is in your ear freaks me out. So let’s avoid that area.

*Pet names can rock. I love when people call me princess, miss thang or even just skinny. You and I will need to work on our pet names. Babe is too overused and lovey gives me the chills. It would be nice to have a secret one only we’d get but with that comes the elaborate story we’d have to tell our friends and then it ruins that whole exclusivity vibe. So to make it easier on you (‘cause so far I haven’t) I’ll settle for My Girl or My Lady or even My Hot Sexy Bitch but with that last one the first two parts are uber important.

If this hasn’t scared you off Future Boyfriend, then I’ll know you’re the one.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Welcome

Welcome to Skinny Bitches – In the Making.

It is our aim to be fabulous, effortlessly stylish, high-flying career women with Christian Louboutins, handsome boys with stubble who look amazing in jeans and white t-shirts and the kind of apartments that are featured on Top Billing. But without that annoying presenter and weird art.

In essence we want to be those girls in the opening sequence of The Devil Wears Prada. The ones we hate for no reason other than the way they carry themselves, the fact they can pull off skinny jeans without someone yelling beached whale and their perfect hair.

As you have most probably gathered, we are totally unlike those women.

Now.

Give us some time and we will be the kind of girl you hate for wearing head-to-toe white without any food stains. The kind of girl who can command a room. The girl with the red-soled shoes and no waist.

This is our journey from penniless graduates to penniless juniors in the working world. From curvy women to skinny bitches. From single, we-don’t-need-men ladies to loved-up couples. From fleeing the nest to ocean view penthouses. And from merely dreaming of to wearing the red-soled shoes.

Enjoy the ride,

Ex-oh, Ex-oh