Dear Future Boyfriend, Part Six

I write a lot about what type of guy I’d like you to be and I realise that while you may encompass some of these traits, the rest you may have to adopt to make me happy. Although that sounds like a lot of work, remember I am your one true love and what wouldn’t you do for love ;)

Even if you are not like all the other things I’ve asked you to be; there is one that is non-negotiable.

Please, please, please don’t be a douche.

Literally that is all you need and you’re halfway to becoming the perfect man.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

*Image from here.

Dear Future Boyfriend, Part Two

You know more guidelines and advice for that lucky (?) guy.

*I heart Bradley Cooper. So if you are not him, you’ll have to deal with me talking about him. You see, I’ve been undertaking some charity work in order to provide me with good karma for the rest of my life. Well sort of. I really want to do charity work but I’m like crazy busy and there never seems enough time. But I intend to do something because by some twist of fate (karma that’s you) I’d really like it for you FB to either be Bradley Cooper or at least resemble him. See I have had this thing about him for ages. Ever since he first appeared in Sex & The City, then Kitchen Confidential then even as the douche in Wedding Crashers. For some reason I cannot look away and the obsession’s starting to get bad. I’ve started to think of the many ways we’d meet and fall in love and how I’d handle the press intrusion into our lives and what to do if our sex tape ever got leaked (which wouldn’t be the dirty kind by the way, more a video of me eating cheese and filming Bradley while he sleeps). So shit is bound to get weird and I’d just like to prepare you for it.

*In that great tradition of double-standards, my shit can be weird but I’d prefer if there are things you didn’t do. If you tend to eat chocolate cereal and just love when the milk turns all brown and tastes delish, please use your spoon to drink it and not go directly for the bowl. If you say shit like “catch you on the flip side” or pronounce croissant with a French accent even though you’re not French, it’s over. If you listen to Nickelback, haven’t watched 30 Rock or wear a peak cap backwards, it’s okay. Not everyone is perfect. But if you do all three, see ya!

*You have to like my gays. Unfortunately and fortunately I seem to attract the homosexuals. I think it’s my extreme penchant for ABBA, musicals and cocktails with dirty names. Instead of a moth I’m a disco ball and instead of a flame, they’re flaming queens. I don’t usually complain about my gays but it is discerning to note that most of my BBM contacts have Lady Gaga as their profile pictures. But they’re an important part of my life and I’ll need you to accept them. You don’t need to love them because then I’ll worry that I’ve turned another one but you do need to like them. Or at least pretend you do.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Things I've Realised...

…I cannot keep blaming changing room mirrors, clothes that seem to shrink in the washing machine, bad genes and random skinny bitches for the fact that I’m overweight. At some point I need to put down the cheese and admit that I don’t work out enough or eat right. It’s taken scary photos at bad angles and skinny jeans bursting at the seams to make me realize that I need to re-think my habits. Any suggestions on how to motivate myself would be gladly appreciated.

…I’m getting closer to a happier work life. I could even say I was on my way to starting my desired career. Things are changing slowly and at times they barely move but they’re looking up. I have some very exciting things to look forward to and hopefully one day I can say “I love what I do!”

…I need a financial adviser. Every month I swear I’m gonna stick to my budget and save more money. Come the middle of the month and I have to do some stealing, um shopping at my parent’s place, restrict the social gatherings and go without new pretty things in my wardrobe. What’s even worse when I panic about not having enough money I tend to spend more. In my mind, spending calms me down and makes it all okay.

…I will definitely be making new year’s resolutions next year. I plan to stop being late for everything and instead be 5 minutes early. Except for fashion events, for those I’ll be a little bit late, tis the fashionable thing to do! I also resolve to be one of those annoyingly happy people. My optimism will be so great, you’d think it can cure cancer. Hopefully it will also be contagious and make a difference and all that nonsense :)

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

This Week I...

This week I…

…went to the Slave Lodge

When I was in school I never paid much attention when we did museum, planetarium and zoo trips. Now that I’m older and can think about more than getting up early to watch Saturday morning cartoons I am desperate to go back and learn some culture.


One of the places we never went on a school trip was the Slave Lodge. Before I knew exactly what it was, it was just another building. After what seemed like years, I finally found some time to make a visit.



The Slave Lodge is situated on the corner of Wale and Adderley street in the centre of Cape Town. It’s part of the Iziko Museums in South Africa that include the Plantetarium, South African Museum, and National Gallery. It’s also one of the oldest buildings in Cape Town.


The lodge was built in 1679 and was used to house slaves from the Dutch East India Company. What was surprising to learn is that many slaves were not South African or even African. Many were brought from other routes and placed here. What was even more surprising was the amount of leniency experienced by the slaves. It seemed once at the lodge, many slaves were able to marry, become free and own land.


One of my favourite parts of the lodge was the memory wheel. You can spin it around and round to see over 8000 names of the people once housed at the slave lodge.



Another part I enjoyed was the Nelson Mandela exhibition. It’s similar to the one at the Apartheid Museum just not as in-depth. It traces his journey from a young man to his humanitarian work and retirement now.


The lodge is open every day except Sundays and is super cheap to visit.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Things I've Realised...World Cup Edition

Picture from here

World Cups make you tired. I have been out every night for the past two weeks. And I'm not counting a trip to the shops or the takeaway place around the corner as out. I've been out dining, partying and watching games. Almost always creeping in at an ungodly hour and praying my liver is not divorcing me. At the moment, I've taken a couple of days off from the party circuit and my liver is starting to talk to me again. But I'm afraid if we have one more slip-up we're headed for court.

South American men are hawt. It's not just the women who are all exotic and pretty, it's the men too. Not sure what they're drinking over there but it's working. Instead of going for traditional nationalities like Brazil or Argentina, ladies we suggest you look at Chile. Hotties galore and really nice. Also approach Brazilians with care, they are extremely forward. If that's what you're into, go find one now and have a good time.

I'm totally broke. Like January broke. But if possible even worse. All that partying takes its toll on my bank balance. Not to mention I've had to buy lots of memorabilia. All those soccer shirts, flag mirrors and flag leg warmers don't come cheap. Tomorrow is pay day and if you're looking for me, I'll be sleeping outside the ATM.

My hormones are going crazy. Apart from my wallet, these have been the worst hit by the World Cup. Everywhere I look there are hot men. I'm not just talking about the soccer hotties, it's the fans and supporters that are making me blush and wear revealing clothing. In winter. The nice thing is many of them are friendly and are here to have a good time. Some of them aren't as friendly and we have been subjected to varying degrees of dodginess including someone asking if we'd like to know a little German and then pointing at his penis; and someone offering free hugs but then trying to slip in the tongue.

Picture from here.

Yoann Gourcoff almost had me licking the TV. This French hottie was given a straight red in the game against South Africa and on replays some commentators were struggling to see why. Looking at him, I clearly know the reason. His beauty was clearly too distracting for anyone else on the field. After he left, we did go on to win the game. Although France didn't deserve to go through to the next round, Yoann is more than welcome to hang around Skinny Bitches crib.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

How To Impress A Skinny Bitch

Awhile ago I wrote about the things certain boys do that result in a flip of the wrist, an unimpressed facial expression and a muttering of “Dude, please!” Now I would like to let boys know what they can do to work their magic on this pair of skinny bitches. Please note if there are any hot foreign boys in your vicinity, please direct them to this blog and the below tips 

To impress a Skinny Bitch in the Making:

Say hello without a cheesy line.

There are very few pickup lines that actually work wonders with girls. If you’re so inclined your line needs to be witty, smart, provocative and delivered correctly. Too cheesy, we will laugh in your face and not feel bad. Too risqué we’ll give you a look like you’re an online sexual predator. Therefore stay away from these lines and try ‘Hello’. You’ll be surprised at its magic. Alternatively if you look like a drummer in a band or have a scar and stubble try ‘Hello, I love you, won’t you tell me your name’. But only if you can pull it off. Heads up, “Feel it, it is here” whilst pointing to your penis will get you slapped.

Buy us a drink.

Everyone loves a free drink, almost free anything really. If we’re at a fancy place, we like cosmopolitans. If we’re at a pub, we like gin and dry lemon. If we’re legless it doesn’t matter what you give us, we’ll think it’s alcohol anyway.

We love to dance.

Therefore some good moves on the floor will score you points. You do not need to be trained – in fact we’d prefer if you weren’t. If you’re better at us we’ll walk away. It’s fickle we know but we do pride ourselves on how well we can boogie. You just need to make some moves. Heads up, avoid coming up behind us and grinding whenever a “sexy” song comes on. If we’re at a club we probably don’t know you that well and would prefer if you stay away from that zone.

Laugh at our jokes.

We try really hard to impress you by being witty and clever so please show us you appreciate it. Most times we are quite funny or knowledgeable (we used to be pub quiz champs) but the more we drink the less sense we make. So laughing or smiling makes us think our charms are working.

Compliment our outfits and hair.

What we look like when we enter a club, bar or pub is probably not what we normally look like when we wake up. Unless it’s around 3 in the morning and we’ve come from another party, than we usually look better. We’ve taken time and effort and sustained burns from a GHD to look decent. Acknowledge it please.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Is there anything more annoying...

...than someone who uses more than one punctuation mark after a sentence.

Seriously, one exclamation mark gives the phrase or statement enough emphasis.

Adding triple question marks at the end does not make it any more of a query.

Learn your grammar bitches!

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

You Learn You Live

Things I need to do...

Learn to keep my emotions in check. For some reason I can break into tears really easily. I am not particularly sensitive but I don’t like anyone attacking me. Say something about my weight, the fact I’m a pushover or that my dream career is slipping further and further away and I’ll look like a panda from crying. I need to control this. Not only because I haven’t found a good waterproof mascara yet. But also ‘cause no one likes a crybaby. And I want to be one of those strong women who doesn’t back down. I want to be the type of women Maya Angelou was talking about (And still I rise!). I’m going to start by listening to Madonna’s You’ll See while I work out. It’s one of those songs that motivates you to show everyone who told you cannot do something that one day you’ll be great.

Learn to save money. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to have to go and withdraw R50. It’s even worse when the machine you’re at only gives out hundreds. I shouldn’t have to live like this, particularly when I’m not a student anymore. The days of withdrawing everything in my account and leaving a measly R2.50 should be over. I do admit I have a spending problem. And a weird one at that. I tend to spend all my savings on fancy coffees during the week and sweets when I put in petrol. By the middle of the month, I cannot go out because I spent my entertainment budget on jellybeans and Fair Trade lattes. The next month is going to be a bit of a challenge. It’s the big move, there are four birthdays, Smokey Eyes comes for a visit and it’s Fashion Week. Chances I’ll have that R50 to withdraw at the end are slim. So starting in September because realistically August will be a bit of a money abortion, I’m going to start saving again. Also no more fuel-time sweets. And only lattes twice a week. I have an addiction so go slowly is how it’s going to happen.

Learn to try more. I have a huge fear of rejection so I do not try hard enough. Sometimes not at all. I’m not shy and I have faith yet nothing kills the soul like someone saying no. I’m one of those people who need validation in life, someone who needs a well done after a job. So if I do something and someone has something negative to say, I’m crushed. I wish I didn’t view failure the way I do. I wish I could throw caution to the wind and follow every whim I had. I might have my dream career, a boyfriend and complete happiness. This is one is going to be a lot harder than say not crying or saving money. I’ll definitely need a lot more Madonna songs to get to that point. But I think I may be willing to change soon enough because the only thing worse than rejection is regret.

Anything you guys need to learn?

It’s almost the weekend.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!