Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Dear Future Boyfriend, Part Four

Dear Future Boyfriend Part Four

I run the risk of this sounding whiny and desperate but oh FB where are you?! I have spent some time in the company of other men – not in a slutty way – and they’ve just reminded why I hold out hope for someone like you. I’ve always believed boys are good. And I’m not just talking about my gays, they’re in a whole other example of how great men can be. I’ve seen firsthand how boys can be caring and fun and not fuckwits that make you sad and eat your way to cellulite. But the road to these good men is usually clouded with losers and guys who don’t call. I’ve always been prepared to kiss a few frogs before finding you, after all, it will make being with you so much sweeter. But sometimes the actions of these other boys can ruin a girl.

Obviously FB you are not one of those boys. But just in case you were trying to pull any douchebag tricks, here’s a list of things you should never do:

*Firstly never play games. Yes we’ve all been there and we’ve all lived to tell that playing hard to get works but it’s annoying. Who came up with these rules that we have to wait a certain number of days before returning calls. It’s lame. If you like me, let me know. Obviously if you’re stalker-like don’t let me know.

*If we meet in a club and all you really want to do is kiss me or take me home, let me know upfront. Don’t ask for my number as a way to entice me. Sometimes alcohol and a good dance beat makes me weak and then I do stupid things like kiss strangers because I think they like me when they’ve taken my number. Cut to me constantly checking my cellphone reception and hanging up on other people so I don’t put your call on hold.

*If we went out and then it’s not working or you’re not feeling or you’ve found out something weird about me (like how much of a control freak I am or the fact that I have The Little Mermaid on DVD) and you want out; just tell me. Please don’t just stop calling me, tell me. There’s nothing worse than having to resort to Facebook Stalking or a Missing Person ad. Because if I really like you and think you’ve been kidnapped I will find a way to find you. And I don’t think it’ll be a great story for the kids –which we’ll be having by the way, two boys and a girl ;)

*Let me know upfront if you’re one of those nice guys who do random nice things for people. I know this sounds weird but if I’m not sure if you’re naturally nice and you do something sweet and blush-making I’ll assume you like me. It’s the girlie part of me. And because of that random time you bought me a latte or gave me a hug when I was down, I’ll probably start liking you. And then I’ll start imaging what I’d wear if we went on a date. Then I’ll start wondering if what our wedding colours would be and then if we’re sending the children to a Waldorf school or private and what to do when your mom comes to visit and it’ll all be a big mess. So if you’re genuinely a nice guy who drops off random bars of chocolate in a girl’s drawer include a note stating this will not lead to dating, marriage and adopting cute Asian babies.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!