Wednesday, May 20, 2009

License to Drill

I hate the dentist. Like seriously. I hate the dentist more than I hate Crocs, Spencer from The Hills and people who wear denim on denim.

I never ever felt this way before. Before I was blissfully unawares of the pain and agony associated with oral hygiene. Then I got a hole in my tooth a couple of years ago. It hurt like a bitch. On the plus side, I got to drink hard liquor and stay off school. Eventually I had to go to the dentist. Turns out I needed root canal. This was not good. Imagine having someone drill into gums and attack a nerve. It was enough to put me off the dentist for life.

Last month I discovered I had another hole in my tooth. It certainly didn't hurt so much so I thought I'd be a grown up and go back to the doctor for a filling on Saturday morning. What was I thinking?

Firstly the chairs didn't work properly so I was running back and forth between rooms. And then she expected me to hold this weird grey thing in my mouth for an xray. I tried but I just couldn't. I have the worst gag reflexes. I know, it sounds like I'd be a horrible girlfriend but there's other stuff I can do ;)

Eventually she had to stab me with anesthetic so I'd stop complaining. Not that it did much to numb the weirdness of the entire thing. As the chairs were having hissy fits, the dentist was working on a chair she was unfamiliar with and as a result we were in an awkward situation. To be frank, my cheek was up against her boob for the entire procedure. And it was a long procedure. Mainly because her assistant was special. Seriously it was like having Rain Man perform the suction. She is one of the girls that normally spend their days sitting down and looking confused while holding a stapler. "What does this do?"

After the awfulness of it all, my mouth was numb and I was high on that pink stuff they make you gargle with. Not even watching my illegally downloaded copy of The Tudors third season could make me feel better. Luckily a vat of wine did! It was a friend's party and I managed to drink the pain away. I don't know why more dentists aren't prescribing it.

The pain subsided until today. All of sudden I had this mind-numbing pain as I put anything into my mouth. By the way, I'm talking about food. Turns out bitch cut my palate open. And her excuse..."This has never happened before." Mmmkay. Trust me this will never happen again...cos I will not be going to the dentist again. My soulmate better be prepared for a passion gap cos I'd rather lose them than go back to Satan's niece. Unless of course, I may Hugh Jackman and he'll get me veneers. I have to look good on the red carpet.

It took me two trips to realise this important life lesson: always brush, floss, mouth wash daily. If you don't, bitch is gonna get ya!

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Things That Are Bugging Me Today

Today didn't start as well as I wanted.

For a start, I woke up later than I was supposed to. Then I got to the gym much later than I had planned. And when I got there, the TVs were not displaying last night's repeat of the Ellen show but rather the Discovery channel. So at least I learnt some things while I attempted the stairmaster.

Fueled with endorphins, I got all excited to wear one of my new dresses to work today. I bought it cos it resembles Roland Mouret's Galaxy dress and it was too pretty not to buy it.

I have a problem with discipline, can you tell?! It was also a size too small for me but I was already swiping my card. Now in one of those never-happen-before moments, the item which I had always hoped I'd be able to fit into, I actually do! With the help of magic knickers of course. This was the redeeming factor for the bad start.

Then I got to work.

I work with a lot of techy people so for the fact for so many of them to notice the dress was amazing. I've gotten so many compliments. Someone even said I looked like I stepped out of The Devil Wears Prada. Result! But that wasn't the bad part.

The bad part is that Cartman who I cannot handle has now moved opposite me. For a year I was fine with no one sitting opposite me. I had people to my left and right and the Hot Mama and the Social Butterfly were always close by. Now I have to deal with his business all up in my business. He also insists on swearing constantly. Now I have no problem with swearing. In my job I have to otherwise, I'd never get through the day. But can't he just go and do it in the bathroom or in his head like a normal person? Every five minutes the most obscene language is splayed over from his desk to mine. My poor little desk figurines have even started to cover their ears. I've even hidden my YSL Touché Éclat cos no one says the C word in front of YSL.

The other guy bugging me is the one recovering from a cold. I would feel bad for him. But he has decided, "To hell with it! I'm not going to go to the bathroom to clear the phelm from my throat. I'll do it right here in the middle of the office. Where my co-workers can hear and then plot death against me." Jeez Louise! I'm so close to throwing my box of tissues at him.

The last thing bugging me today are my magic knickers. I love them. I owe many a great night to them. But damn, when they roll down and expose my work-in-progress tummy I have some issues. So unlike Coughy McCoughson over there I am going to the bathroom a lot.

But c'est la vie. At least I fit into my new dress. And in approximately 20 minutes i get to leave to meet a friend for a much-needed Vida hot chocolate.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!