Monday, November 5, 2012

Dear Future Boyfriend Part Nine

As you will soon find out about me, I take personal hygiene and style very importantly. I'm of the belief that feeling good doesn't necessarily start from the inside. In fact when I have my hair did, my nails painted and I smell ah-mazing I believe I run this world (I also have Beyonce on repeat).

Because I feel like this, I stupidly assumed so did everyone else. That bubble burst very quickly. Now as my journey to you is littered with men and boys sadly of a lesser-quality I have learnt that some males need a little help in the grooming department. I'm not saying you're one of them *but* just in case, I have jotted down some notes on styling I think you should know.

*Wash daily. A human basic you'd think but I have smelt enough men to know this is not the case.

*If you're gonna rock facial hair, you need to be serious. Make sure you know what you're working with and then take care of it. No girl wants to walk around with a guy who is sporting three errant hairs on his chin. If you take care of your hair, I'll take care of mine. Know what I'm saying!

*Wash your hair often. I'm not saying daily because it might not be able to handle it. But ensure it's clean. In my opinion very few women like the Robert Pattinson grease-ball look and even less of those women want to shag him.

*Further to that point, there is no thing as 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner. Whatever you knew about it before, forget it. it does not exist. If you cannot afford salon products, get your ass down to the pharmacy and just buy something legit. Nothing keeps those legs closed like a 2-in-1 combo.

*At this point in your life, you're a grown-ass man, not a pubescent horny teenage who bought into advertising. Stop using Axe. You can afford to get a really nice cologne or EDT, do it. Trust me on this, girls LOVE a man who smells nice. Personally I heart Cool Water for him and Boss Bottled, in case you were wondering ;)

*Fix your hands and feet. This should be a no-brainer but some boys are so oblivious. Feet are a serious dealbreaker. Hands I'm more relaxed about. Mainly because I walk around with chipped nailpolish all too often. But seriously if you're gonna be running your hands through our hair or doing other ahem stuff, make sure your digits are neatly filed and clean.

*Soap is not skincare.

*Very few men can pull off hats. I want to believe you're one of them. If you're not, bow out gracefully.

*I just want to touch lightly on clothing. It took me awhile to find out what works for my body so if you're still figuring out what it is, I won't hate on you. I will say hell to the no to the following: Crocs, denim shorts, silky boxers, sports shirts on any day that isn't match day, polo necks, socks with holes, vests unless under a shirt, combat pants, chunky boots, cartoon ties and mesh anything.

Just remember, despite all of this and contrary to what it seems like, I will love you for who you are.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!