Monday, May 14, 2012

Letters To My Children

I've always like the idea of passing down collective wisom and advice that you've been given or experienced to someone else. Obviously when it's done right it can be a great help. When it's unsolicited you run the risk of being labelled a nosy bitch who should keep her opinions to herself.

Under the moniker "Letters to My Children" you can rant and rant about all the stuff you learned and know and pass it onto your kids without sounding like a know-it-all. Which is something I really like. Under the guise of preparing your offspring for this world you can say what you want and no one can excuse you of being selfish. Which is awesome.

Now I don't have any kids and until Future Boyfriend comes along, those cute Asian babies we'll adopt are still a dream away. That however hasn't stopped me from preparing my Future Babies. Obviously I want them to stand up for their beliefs and be true to themselves and all that nonsense *but* more importantly I want to guide them through the little stuff.

So hear are my letters to my children...

...No one likes a smug bitch or a douche. Don't be either.

...Never be the car who has slowed down to look at an accident. It's common and it slows down traffic.

...Always be nice to people who serve you food. Just think of all the bad stuff they can do if you're not.

...Never save clothes, shoes or perfume for a special occasion. Make every occasion special. You'll regret never wearing all the pretty things.

...Learn to enjoy your own company. Seriously, sometimes all you need is a big bowl of pasta, fat pants and your favourite by yourself.

...Learn the words to the Beatles song. This will help on drunken nights out, pub quizzes and also it's some of the best music ever created.

...Go to the movies by yourself. On a weekday morning. Stretch out in the comfort of an empty cinema and chew your popcorn as loudly as you want.

...Girls, flats are for quitters ;)

...Never trust a guy/girl who wants to make a sex tape. And if you're the one who suggested it, we need to talk.

...Be nice to people even if you don't like them. It's not two-faced, it's being a bigger person.

...Learn to bake something particularly awesome. Like cupcakes or cheesecake or pecan pie. This is more for me in my old age and laziness than for your better self.

...Don't be afraid to dance. You may not have my skills on the dancefloor but that shouldn't stop you. And by skills I mean I can do the Footloose dance and the routine for Oops! I Did It Again.

...Do more things. Like bowling. I hated it when I was 10. I tried it again at 25. I didn't get better, I may have gotten worse but now I have an unflattering picture of me doing it. Memories.

...Make wishes at 11:11. Not sure why that time but just do it!

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!