Monday, June 10, 2013

Dear Future Boyfriend Part Twelve

Here’s a confession: I know us girls are crazy. I am probably one of the worst. Luckily for you I try and keep it in. Unluckily, it might all burst out in a shooting rampage one day. But back to the majority of girls…We change our minds all the time. We say one thing but we really mean another. We need you to break our codes. Yes we talk in codes. 

All these little things mean that boys try so hard to do the right thing, to impress us, to make us happy and they have it all wrong. And thanks to fairytales, romantic comedies, some of the men of Sex & the City there is so much more pressure to treat us girls well. So to help you out a bit, at least in the romance stakes, I have drawn up some simple guide to romance with some helpful hints.

Setting the Mood

Candles? They work. All the time. Girls love flattering light. Therefore a few well-placed candles are the perfect setting when you want to be romantic. Note, a few. Not shitloads. Not only is it dangerous. It will take ages to light all of them.

This just says "Hi there, nice bedroom, let me take off my pants."

Rose petals? They do not work. What a waste. Flowers are nice (see below point) but spread all over my house and on my bed? No thanks. Let me clarify that again, all over my bed. Hell no! If it’s my bed, you can bet that linen is Egyptian cotton because we are no longer students and can afford to sleep on soft sheets. As soon as you put rose petals on there, you either ruin the mood by waiting to clean it all up *or* you get busy on top of the petals. And then they stain. My sheets. My expensive sheets that you didn’t even notice are now ruined.

Bunch of Flowers

I’m not a big flower girl. I think they are lovely and receiving a big bunch at work is a sure-fire way to make the office mean girl hate you even more but they die. Quickly. And before they die, they get grotty and smell. Oh the smell. Therefore if you want to surprise me with flowers, try something different like an orchid which is classic and timeless or tulips which are not always in season. If you got me tulips I know you mean business. Or just save us both some time and just get me cupcakes. Even better a bouquet of cupcakes. 

Hello Lover!


Most girls, I assume, love presents. And the mere fact you were thinking of us goes a long way. But there are only so many times we can fake joy at receiving a bad gift. Areas you can stay in and you will excel in:

Lingerie because sometimes you get the really sexy stuff we would never buy ourselves in case the La Senza lady judges us.
Jewellery because if it sparkles, it can stay.
Spa Vouchers because you almost always go for a package deal which includes everything or you give us a monetary value so we can get our Gellish done and not feel bad we spent over R200 for two weeks

Sadly there are so many places you can go wrong. Particularly clothes and/or jewellery. If you really, really think your lover wants a sequined boob-tube or horrible granny scarf then please re-think your purpose in life. Call her best friend or find a suave gay guy and ask them for help. We appreciate the gesture but there are some things that will not fly and this is one of them. 


Public Displays of Love/Affection

Firstly I am not talking about necking in a club or shopping mall. I am talking about those large-scale proposal type events that guys in movies do. These have ruined me and the rest of the world’s girls into thinking that out there is a guy out there who loves us so much he will get a bunch of friends to perform a Bruno Mars song for us. Now I cannot sugar coat this. We all do want this. And we want a Youtube video out of it as well. The only compromise I can say is it doesn’t have to be a Bruno Mars song. A Jason Mraz song works just as well :)


Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh! 

Images from here, here, here, and  here.