Monday, November 5, 2012

Dear Future Boyfriend Part Nine

As you will soon find out about me, I take personal hygiene and style very importantly. I'm of the belief that feeling good doesn't necessarily start from the inside. In fact when I have my hair did, my nails painted and I smell ah-mazing I believe I run this world (I also have Beyonce on repeat).

Because I feel like this, I stupidly assumed so did everyone else. That bubble burst very quickly. Now as my journey to you is littered with men and boys sadly of a lesser-quality I have learnt that some males need a little help in the grooming department. I'm not saying you're one of them *but* just in case, I have jotted down some notes on styling I think you should know.

*Wash daily. A human basic you'd think but I have smelt enough men to know this is not the case.

*If you're gonna rock facial hair, you need to be serious. Make sure you know what you're working with and then take care of it. No girl wants to walk around with a guy who is sporting three errant hairs on his chin. If you take care of your hair, I'll take care of mine. Know what I'm saying!

*Wash your hair often. I'm not saying daily because it might not be able to handle it. But ensure it's clean. In my opinion very few women like the Robert Pattinson grease-ball look and even less of those women want to shag him.

*Further to that point, there is no thing as 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner. Whatever you knew about it before, forget it. it does not exist. If you cannot afford salon products, get your ass down to the pharmacy and just buy something legit. Nothing keeps those legs closed like a 2-in-1 combo.

*At this point in your life, you're a grown-ass man, not a pubescent horny teenage who bought into advertising. Stop using Axe. You can afford to get a really nice cologne or EDT, do it. Trust me on this, girls LOVE a man who smells nice. Personally I heart Cool Water for him and Boss Bottled, in case you were wondering ;)

*Fix your hands and feet. This should be a no-brainer but some boys are so oblivious. Feet are a serious dealbreaker. Hands I'm more relaxed about. Mainly because I walk around with chipped nailpolish all too often. But seriously if you're gonna be running your hands through our hair or doing other ahem stuff, make sure your digits are neatly filed and clean.

*Soap is not skincare.

*Very few men can pull off hats. I want to believe you're one of them. If you're not, bow out gracefully.

*I just want to touch lightly on clothing. It took me awhile to find out what works for my body so if you're still figuring out what it is, I won't hate on you. I will say hell to the no to the following: Crocs, denim shorts, silky boxers, sports shirts on any day that isn't match day, polo necks, socks with holes, vests unless under a shirt, combat pants, chunky boots, cartoon ties and mesh anything.

Just remember, despite all of this and contrary to what it seems like, I will love you for who you are.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!


  1. can you believe with all his super ah-mazing style and grooming, sir superman refuses to throw out socks with holes. he literally has a drawer with a kajillion holey socks. he's luck i'm not his gf or i would have set fire to that drawer by now.

    1. really stylish men always have one bad thing about them. I suppose it's like girls and their fat pants or magic knickers. we'll allow one thing!

  2. Oh yes hygiene is so important, I can't stand guys that don't take care of their nails seriously no matter how dirty their job may be that is a deal-breaker.

    Laughed at the whole Axe thing, you can always spot (smell) a "man" who gets very little action is always doused in liters of Axe and more often than not rocking those shiny boxers that pouf out their pants!

    1. Axe and shiny boxers are beyond saving. At that point I'd just stay single ;)

  3. Such a true post this!!
    I told my hubbie: If it's 2 in 1 (or even, forbid, 3 in 1) it ain't doing something.
    Yes, a man that smells good -mmmmm. I have been known to follow a man around a shop if he smells good. Can you say stalker!

  4. Denim shorts and polo necks are probably the two most shocking items of clothing a man could ever own! You know what I also detest... old t.shirts.. you know the ones that are so old that they have completely lost their shape? Normal (albeit faded to hell) in the front, cropped in the back. For fck sakes, throw it away!!!

  5. Hehe. This is hilarious and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you wrote this. I totally agree with the 2-in-1 conditioner/shampoo not being a thing ANYONE should EVER use. It does nothing. And men tend to not realize that. One time, my friend and I got one of our guy friends to buy a REAL conditioner and his hair looked amazing afterwards.

    Great post! I'll certainly be back.

    Best wishes,

    [your everyday girl,
    writing about guys]

  6. being a young(ish) guy and a regular reader of your blog i would have to say you have to realise guys don't think exactly the same.
    Not a single one of my friends files their nails (that I am aware of), its never even crossed my mind in 32 years of being alive to be honest.
    Guys (generally) have short hair, whilst I agree the cheapest shampoo is not a good idea, what is wrong with 2-in-1. Unless the guy has long, luxurious hair then possibly...

  7. I don't think I have ever dated a guy who used conditioner so 2 in 1 was never an option and I didn't mind it. I will also shamefully admit that there are a few smells from Axe which I adore, the only problem there is that they all start smelling the same and you may end up mixing names up. But to be fair that could happen with Davidoff or Boss too and certainly did happen when every girl in town was wearing Gucci Rush a few years back. I would want to add to the no-do list: dread locks. unless you are black and have the appropriate hair for it and are above the age of 20 - do not have dread locks. They scare me. I think stuff i.e. little crawling animals may live in them.

  8. Armani Mania for men. Intoxicating! I WILL take my clothes off for it.


Whoop! There It Is!