License to Drill

I hate the dentist. Like seriously. I hate the dentist more than I hate Crocs, Spencer from The Hills and people who wear denim on denim.

I never ever felt this way before. Before I was blissfully unawares of the pain and agony associated with oral hygiene. Then I got a hole in my tooth a couple of years ago. It hurt like a bitch. On the plus side, I got to drink hard liquor and stay off school. Eventually I had to go to the dentist. Turns out I needed root canal. This was not good. Imagine having someone drill into gums and attack a nerve. It was enough to put me off the dentist for life.

Last month I discovered I had another hole in my tooth. It certainly didn't hurt so much so I thought I'd be a grown up and go back to the doctor for a filling on Saturday morning. What was I thinking?

Firstly the chairs didn't work properly so I was running back and forth between rooms. And then she expected me to hold this weird grey thing in my mouth for an xray. I tried but I just couldn't. I have the worst gag reflexes. I know, it sounds like I'd be a horrible girlfriend but there's other stuff I can do ;)

Eventually she had to stab me with anesthetic so I'd stop complaining. Not that it did much to numb the weirdness of the entire thing. As the chairs were having hissy fits, the dentist was working on a chair she was unfamiliar with and as a result we were in an awkward situation. To be frank, my cheek was up against her boob for the entire procedure. And it was a long procedure. Mainly because her assistant was special. Seriously it was like having Rain Man perform the suction. She is one of the girls that normally spend their days sitting down and looking confused while holding a stapler. "What does this do?"

After the awfulness of it all, my mouth was numb and I was high on that pink stuff they make you gargle with. Not even watching my illegally downloaded copy of The Tudors third season could make me feel better. Luckily a vat of wine did! It was a friend's party and I managed to drink the pain away. I don't know why more dentists aren't prescribing it.

The pain subsided until today. All of sudden I had this mind-numbing pain as I put anything into my mouth. By the way, I'm talking about food. Turns out bitch cut my palate open. And her excuse..."This has never happened before." Mmmkay. Trust me this will never happen again...cos I will not be going to the dentist again. My soulmate better be prepared for a passion gap cos I'd rather lose them than go back to Satan's niece. Unless of course, I may Hugh Jackman and he'll get me veneers. I have to look good on the red carpet.

It took me two trips to realise this important life lesson: always brush, floss, mouth wash daily. If you don't, bitch is gonna get ya!

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!