Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Dear Future Boyfriend, Part Five

Dear Future Boyfriend

You get different types of people. You get the kind who are spontaneous and do things on weekends. Things which require them to actually leave the comfort of the couch and experience things. Then you get the people who relish in the comfort of the couch. I would like to think that I am in the middle. It’s more truthful to say that I am ¾ of the way on the couch and the other quarter is desperate to be out there. Therefore FB I need you to be one of those people. The active kind of person that makes lazy people hate them. It’s sort of like the skinny girl who says things like “Sometimes I forget to eat.” Anyway I need you to encourage me to visit places other than a food market and to do spontaneous active things like take advantage of a nice day by going hiking or to the beach. You see I want to do all those things but somewhere between the Parks & Recreation marathon and that bag of salt and vinegar chips that will not eat itself I get lazy.

In my mind, I am pretty gangsta. Seriously I think my knowing all the words to Funky Cold Medina and having watched Dangerous Minds a gazillion times equals thug life. And I’m going to need you to go along with it. So when I quote rap lyrics without knowing what the hell they’re talking about and start describing things as ‘dope’ ‘crunk’ and ‘bling’ remember why you love me and ignore it.

It seems there are various ways to discern someone’s personality whether it be their reaction to animals or the way they sleep or the music they listen to. I like to do it by seeing how you treat waiters. There are many things I think I could excel at:
Dancer in a music video - yes
Ice-cream taster - yes
Chuck Bass’ girlfriend oh hell yes!
One of the things I would suck at is being a waiter. And it’s not something I would ever deign to do. Therefore I treat most servers with an unprecedented amount of respect and tips. Also I’ve read Kitchen Confidential and I really don’t want anyone to mishandle my food. If we experience horrible service, you have every right to bring it up. But if you think being mean to waiters is something that makes you appear macho and sexy, oh boy do you have no idea how fast those knickers are coming up.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Image from here.


  1. haha LOVE this, sounds just like me!

  2. Oi, the farmer had a hard time understanding that Busta Rhymes is one of my favourite rappers. He got there eventualy!

  3. You are so right about people being rude to wait staff. There is no need for it.

    Future Boyfriend is going to be a special man :)

  4. Another cracker... love these posts....

  5. :D
    too bad you're too far away from me :)

  6. O my word. i suceeded in being a waitress for 10 days, the 8th day i got sick, the 9th my sister called to check on me my manager was rude to her and on the 10th i quit. So treating waitors with respect and tips is essential. I dont know why i actually tried it.

    As for being Mr. Chuck Bass' girlfriend ooohhh freakin' yeah!


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