Dear Future Boyfriend Part Fifteen

Oh FB, I'm not gonna lie. I have become a grumpy single. Trust me this is not how I wanted things to turn out. I used to be the happy single. I was like the fun friend who didn't mind hanging around couples. I loved hearing about engagement stories and wedding planning. I was a joy to be around. And I hardly ever bemoaned my marital status. Because I always had faith that you were out there.

Then something changed. I'm guessing everyone who is single for an extended period of time goes through this phase. You're all happy-go-lucky and then suddenly there's an onslaught of Facebook couples, the ex you were always sure was a backup plan suddenly moves in with someone and you start wondering when did everyone move on with their lives and you're the last one on the single bus.* Then you realise it was probably when you were staying home for the third consecutive weekend on a Netflix and pizza binge.**

So instead of just getting on with life and waiting for things to happen as they should. I decided to conduct some research. By research I mean go on a lot more dates. I thought I'd help fate along. Instead of getting more exciting about the prospects out there, it made me a little sad. And a grumpy gills. The thing is, despite being a bit of a realistic I still hold out hope for that everlasting love, that constant butterflies in my stomach feeling. That ooh la la. I did not find it yet.

To be fair, many of these guys were great. Some were dicks. But the truth was, I was going into every new date with very unrealistic expectations of love. I'm not talking disney expectations which are next level. I'm talking about other pieces of media that made me believe.

And so I'd like to present to you, some movies, tv shows and comics that have given me unbridled hope and made me the way I am today. I apologise in advance for my attitude and for the reaction gifs.***

Sex & the City

This is a great show. It is very real. In most parts. We'll ignore how Carrie manages to live so lavishly on a writer's salary or the designer clothes. The situations and men they come across are very real. I have experienced some very similar situations that makes me paranoid. But what really got me was this statement from Big:

This is a great sentiment. But it's all lies. Like seriously. Lies. I have heard many women say this when looking for a partner. I have heard zero men say this is the number one quality they look for. Which kills me because I have jokes for days. Because of this line, I always assumed this would beat out a thigh gap. I can tell you from very personal experience, the thigh gap always wins.

X-men

I love X-men. I love Gambit. Like you known when most girls were getting turned on by Aladdin and other Disney princes, I had that same reaction to Gambit. And one of the things I really loved about him was his relationship with Rogue. Here was a girl who couldn't touch another person and he still loved her and (and this is the important one) he stuck around. Sure they had their ups and downs and obviously this would change depending on which canon/generation/series you were following but the one I am a fan of, they stay together.

I know there are many guys who are willing to wait and are okay with not doing adult stuff. These guys rule! 100 points for these guys. I also know there are just as many guys, probably more who will not stick around. And I know there are girls who won't either. After years of watching X-men and shipping this pairing my outlook has been ingrained with a guy like Gambit. He's cocky, a bit of a douche but he has this one redeeming quality that I love. Which is probably why when searching for a guy who values other things above physical stuff I actively ignore all the other crazy signs. I feel this one's on me and I am working on my issues.

What's Your Number

This is one of those movies not everyone was a fan of. I thought it was hilarious. The gist is Anna Faris does not want to sleep with any more guys so she goes looking for her future husband through her list of exes. Chris Evans is her neighbour who is half naked a lot of time and helps her. Naturally they end up together. And he has no issues with her number.

My problems with believing a movie like this...no one's neighbour is a hot guy who answers the door starkers. I have lived on my own for several years. My neighbours have always been older women. Not even a nipple slip. Also I have never heard of a guy who embraces a girl's number. I've met several guys who will embrace it for a night but who marry those girls, pffftt.

The Office (US)

Pam and Jim. I actually can't with this one. We get it. You guys are cute and meant to be. You work together, have the best wedding and continue to love each other. Enough!

Not only does this provide someone with unrealistic expectations of how much fun you can have at work all the time, it says that your perfect soulmate could be right under your nose. Have you ever taken a long hard look at the people you work with and realise one of them is who you will end up marrying. No thanks! This show is irresponsible.

I'm out!

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

*Obviously I know this is not true.
** Again not true.
*** I promise I will not be bitter and moody all the time. I just need to get this out of my system.

Images from here, here, here and here.

Dear Future Boyfriend Part Thirteen

There are some things I’m not willing to compromise on. These things include lying, cheating, murdering, listening to Simply Red and stealing. I wish this was where my dealbreakers end. Sadly we all know I have some issues so it’s a long list. These are separated into various categories. Some I will deny their very existence (like sport shirts on any day other than match day) while others will lead me to try and not lose my cool but slowly make me resent you and the life we lead together. Sexy isn’t it. But I suppose if you are the one and all that nonsense I will live with these quirks as long as you don’t do any of the serious ones above and also can deal with me side-eying you for all eternity. Love ya!

In no particular order these are things/qualities/attributes I would rather you not possess. Do your best and play along:

Be mean to wait staff

Pick your nose in public (I wish I could say ever but baby steps)

Throw a cigarette butt out the window

Be a vegan (Vegetarian I can handle, vegans are so smug)

Not like sports

Make fun of my singing (I know I am tone deaf, I know I cannot hold a tune, I know I sound terrible but I love it)

Take off your shoes in a public place (by public I mean shopping centres, movie theatres, restaurants. Beaches, parks and most outdoors places are okay)

Sign off your mails with “Ciao”. Even worse spell it “Chow”

Try and pronounce quesadillas in a Mexican accent

Preferring the American version of The Office over the British version

  

Give away TV, book and movie spoilers

Need to hold my hand all the time

Not have a favourite Beatles song

Have no kissing skills

Do not celebrate Christmas

Not eat bacon

Say you don’t cook/clean because that’s woman’s work

Be a coffee snob

Not be prepared to do a karaoke duet of A Whole New World

Keep correcting me when I pronounce quinoa as “keenwa”. I know what I’m saying mofo

Understand if Henry Cavil ever comes a-knocking it’s gonna happen. And by it I mean lots of adult stuff

Not drink (you *will* judge me)

Be weird around gay guys (trust me they’re not into you)

Not give me shit about not liking avocados (they are weird and have no taste)

Don’t watch series and/or movies about superheroes or medieval times as you prefer “real stories”. Bitch please

Doesn’t read this blog ;)

Now come on and date me!

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

My Life In Gifs: Speed Dating Special

I am a happy single girl. Not one of those "why won't he love me", "when am I getting married", "why am I all alone", and the worse "I'll just get some cats". 

So when it comes to boys and dating I like it but I am not obsessed about being with someone. Saying that there are times when I want someone to hold my hand at the movies or make out with at bars or really just bring me coffee in bed and tell me I’m pretty. Usually my girls and gays give sufficient attention enough but hardly any of them will make out with me. So perhaps I need less selfish friends.

So along with one of my buddies we decided to try out speed dating. Now I am good at talking shit for 5 minutes with anyone but even I was nervous about this experience. But because I had nothing to lose (except my dignity) I doubled-up the gin and got my speed dating on.

Bachelor 1 – Hot Asian Guy

Now as you know I have a dream of one day having an Asian baby of my own. So you can imagine my joy when the first guy I sat down with was Asian. Not to mention a Hot Asian. It was like ding, ding, ding, jackpot! He was very sweet, a little nervous but he laughed at my jokes. Also we have a love of food blogs. Can you imagine our beautiful little Asian babies running around while we look at Desserts for Breakfast.

Bachelor 2 – The Good Guy

Next up was a guy whose family tree is filled with designers, fashion, graphic and interior. And then him. He chose to be a teacher. And not just any teacher, he helps the underprivileged. He visits Tsunami kids in Thailand and teaches sports outreach to kids in townships. Swoon! These may be all lines but trust me, they worked!

Bachelor 3 – The IT Guy

You know that IT guy in your company that is nice and all but there’s not much there and you’re only really chatting to them because they download Game of Thrones in HD; that was this guy. He was nice but unless I need new episodes of The Good Wife I don’t see love in our future.

Bachelor 4 – The Foreign Guy

Remember in the World Cup when there were all these cute guys from different countries and it was up to us girls to make them feel at home? Oh? Just me then? Whoops. Well at least I was a good ambassador. This guy travels around a lot and does year stints in different countries. I am sure we bonded but I think I was too distracted by his accent. If he were to call me and say random words, it would be a very long term relationship.

Bachelor 5 – The Hard-to-Read Guy

Sometimes when I go out to very hipster places I feel I have to act like them. Which means I have to be unimpressed and act nonchalant about all the cool things we are doing. Sometimes I really don’t care; sometimes I am pretending. That is how I felt about this guy. He was either very depressed to be there or playing so cool, he was Vanilla Ice. Also he doesn’t watch 30 Rock so that made up my mind.

Bachelor 6 – The Bleh Guy

Urggh. No words. Actually a few words. Do not give me lectures about 80s music. Do not get all offended when I don’t know the year Love Will Tear Us Apart was released. And do not look like a hot silver fox with a beard and delicious biceps whilst being a douche.

Bachelor 7 – The Prospective Guy

We bonded over the British version of The Office, we laughed about the people who go to Tiger (even though we both spent misguided years of our youth there), about the amount of Hen Parties at Decodance and how no one wants to hear play-by-play commentary on toddler’s bowel movements on Facebook. Me likey.

So for a first foray, I give speed-dating a big thumbs up!

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

I Just Want Your Extra Time and Your...

So New Girl. Like woah! If you’ve caught up with season two you know what I’m talking about. If not, you need to do your thang and get on it.

So there are one or two spoilers here and for that I’m sorry but what a kiss right?! I think every girl (and guy) wants to be part of something so passionate, exciting, soft and still unbelievably sexy. If anyone knows if I can sign up for something like that or if guys are looking to practise those type of skills, all I can say is…

In honour of *that* kiss, here are my (other)  fantasy kisses from TV and movies.

Bridget and Mark Darcy

There’s this moment when you’re with someone new and you’re eagerly awaiting the first kiss. Whether it’s a dinner date, dancing in a nightclub (not that I have any experience with that :p), in the back row at the movies or sitting in the car delaying goodbyes. In this moment, both of you know what’s about to happen and all of a sudden there are tongues and hands everywhere. It’s a great moment. In Bridget Jones’ Diary, this moment keeps getting delayed because Bridge like other girls wants this moment to be absolutely perfect. Also when you’re single and a catch like Mark Darcy comes along you seal the deal with the seksi knickers. 

As we all know, we think she has blown it when he picks up her diary and reads what she previously thought of him. Up next comes a run through the snow and a meeting where he becomes even more adorable than previously. And then they go in for the kill. This is one of those kisses made up of little bits of deliciousness. When Bridge is all like nice guys don’t kiss like that, he’s all like “Oh yes, they fucking do.”

Ross and Rachel

Do you remember how long we waited for this to happen. Gawd damn, this took forever. And when it happened it was so worth it. The first kiss was very good, it was raining, they were alone in the dark, it was tense and hot. The kiss I am actually referring to is their second kiss. After Ross messes up the situation, they become estranged and nothing happens forever.

Then after trying to convince her that they belong together – they are each other’s lobster after all – she still doesn’t budge. What it takes is a trip down memory lane where a young Ross as a modern day knight in a shiny suit comes to the rescue of the damsel in distress. Obviously Rachel had no idea this was going down and Ross didn’t really have the opportunity to “save” her. But the intention was there. And then it was all about that slow, sultry, wordless walk Rachel did to reach Ross. And then, fireworks.

Tim and Dawn

When a TV show starts and we get two characters who are obviously meant for each other we cannot help but wonder when is it going to happen. We never ask ourselves, should it happen. A lot of shows tend to jump the shark when putting together our favourite characters and as a result the show can get a bit lame. It’s almost like the “will they, won’t they” is more exciting than their actual relationships. 

One show which made it seem like they were NEVER getting together was The Office. The British one for the TV connoisseurs out there. They did two seasons and it looked like there was never going to be a happily ever for Tim and Dawn. And then the Christmas special happened. Like every festive season-themed, things got good. They had that same old chemistry. They laughed. They were perfect together. Until it looked like nothing was going to happen. Again. Then thanks to the most appropriate secret santa gift, Dawn saw that it was and always would be about Tim. Set to the backdrop of Yazoo’s Only You this scene makes me all teary and questions if anyone is cutting onions.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh! 

Images via here, here and here.