Dear Future Boyfriend, Part Three

Dear Future Boyfriend Part 3


I realize in my previous posts I have been a bit demanding and finicky. I realize I should just be grateful that my soul-mate has come into my life and all that nonsense. But I think divulging all this shit beforehand will really make our relationship withstand the distance and prevent fights about when we’re ready to have children and why you should never, ever leave the cheese container empty. But as this is a relationship and not just you adoring me for the rest of our lives, I have decided to board the ship (see what I did there?). I’m going to meet you in the middle and fill you in on the things I will and can do for you. After all if you’re willing to listen and abide to my craziness over here and here then it’s really the least I can do.

*Firstly I want to let you know I won’t moan about how much sports you watch. Granted it’s not the only thing you do. As long as there is a time where your ass isn’t on the couch with your remote in hand and you experience fresh air, I’ll be all good. I understand that watching sports with a beer in hand all day is akin to me watching Hell’s Kitchen all day in my underwear and the contents of my fridge spread out before me. We all have to unwind somehow. I won’t mind if you want me to even watch with you. I understand the offside rule, I can remember the season when Man United won the Treble and I even know that there’s a Cricket World Cup on. Also I love men who aren’t afraid to wear short shorts and I particularly love when hot men get all riled up about stuff that they swear and shout. Passion is sexy. There may be a few times when I nod off during a rugby game or surreptitiously check my blackberry during a non-league match but for the most I’ll be cheering with you.

*I’ve learnt to cook. Really, I have skills now. Before, my definition of cooking included adding bits of bacon to instant noodles and reheating frozen pies. Now I’m frigging Nigella Lawson and I have the curves to prove it. I can make you an array of dishes from risotto to home-made ravioli. I do this great herbed sweet potato mash and can make tender soy and honey chicken that’ll make you want to cry. I can even make my own pizza bases with my own home-made tomato sauce. And when we’re done with that...I’ll make dessert. Whether it’s cupcakes or cinnamon rolls or even those baby chocolate cakes that are all gooey inside for you Future Boyfriend I’ll do it all.

*I take care of the way I look. Mostly. I’m still trying to lose all my puppy fat and that weight from Christmas but I’ve started to work out again so at least we’re getting somewhere. But in all other areas I make an effort. I use Redken products for my hair which I know might sound like a foreign language or concept since a lot of boys I know seem to prefer the dreaded 2-in-1 variety of hair care. But it’s really good and costly. I always paint my nails and put on my face. Mostly out of common decency…me first thing in the morning can be quite scary so I’m doing my bit for humanity. I’ve thrown out any clothing items which may have been fad trends and I always avoid fashion that doubles as man-repellents. Most important, I’ve thrown out any graying, shapeless pair of underwear and replaced it with the sexy kind like in Secret Diary of a Call Girl and I only have one pair of fat pants.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!