Dear Future Boyfriend, Part Two

You know more guidelines and advice for that lucky (?) guy.

*I heart Bradley Cooper. So if you are not him, you’ll have to deal with me talking about him. You see, I’ve been undertaking some charity work in order to provide me with good karma for the rest of my life. Well sort of. I really want to do charity work but I’m like crazy busy and there never seems enough time. But I intend to do something because by some twist of fate (karma that’s you) I’d really like it for you FB to either be Bradley Cooper or at least resemble him. See I have had this thing about him for ages. Ever since he first appeared in Sex & The City, then Kitchen Confidential then even as the douche in Wedding Crashers. For some reason I cannot look away and the obsession’s starting to get bad. I’ve started to think of the many ways we’d meet and fall in love and how I’d handle the press intrusion into our lives and what to do if our sex tape ever got leaked (which wouldn’t be the dirty kind by the way, more a video of me eating cheese and filming Bradley while he sleeps). So shit is bound to get weird and I’d just like to prepare you for it.

*In that great tradition of double-standards, my shit can be weird but I’d prefer if there are things you didn’t do. If you tend to eat chocolate cereal and just love when the milk turns all brown and tastes delish, please use your spoon to drink it and not go directly for the bowl. If you say shit like “catch you on the flip side” or pronounce croissant with a French accent even though you’re not French, it’s over. If you listen to Nickelback, haven’t watched 30 Rock or wear a peak cap backwards, it’s okay. Not everyone is perfect. But if you do all three, see ya!

*You have to like my gays. Unfortunately and fortunately I seem to attract the homosexuals. I think it’s my extreme penchant for ABBA, musicals and cocktails with dirty names. Instead of a moth I’m a disco ball and instead of a flame, they’re flaming queens. I don’t usually complain about my gays but it is discerning to note that most of my BBM contacts have Lady Gaga as their profile pictures. But they’re an important part of my life and I’ll need you to accept them. You don’t need to love them because then I’ll worry that I’ve turned another one but you do need to like them. Or at least pretend you do.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!