Things I've Realised...

… boys have radar which they use to make us feel as uncomfortable and frustrated as possible. Like the times you’re enjoying an evening in with your big underwear on catching up on New Girl and they text you around midnight wanting to know if you want to hang out. Seriously, hang out. Why not just say you want a little something something. Because if it’s not clear, they’ll show up expecting sexy time and you’re still taking off the toothpaste from the zits you want to eliminate. This radar also extends to the time when you decide you’re over them, their nonsense and their lack of calls. You make a resolution to delete their number and move on. Less than a minute later, guess who’s interested again.

Stupid boys.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Image from here.

Dear Future Boyfriend, Part Six

I write a lot about what type of guy I’d like you to be and I realise that while you may encompass some of these traits, the rest you may have to adopt to make me happy. Although that sounds like a lot of work, remember I am your one true love and what wouldn’t you do for love ;)

Even if you are not like all the other things I’ve asked you to be; there is one that is non-negotiable.

Please, please, please don’t be a douche.

Literally that is all you need and you’re halfway to becoming the perfect man.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

*Image from here.

Dear Future Boyfriend, Part Two

You know more guidelines and advice for that lucky (?) guy.

*I heart Bradley Cooper. So if you are not him, you’ll have to deal with me talking about him. You see, I’ve been undertaking some charity work in order to provide me with good karma for the rest of my life. Well sort of. I really want to do charity work but I’m like crazy busy and there never seems enough time. But I intend to do something because by some twist of fate (karma that’s you) I’d really like it for you FB to either be Bradley Cooper or at least resemble him. See I have had this thing about him for ages. Ever since he first appeared in Sex & The City, then Kitchen Confidential then even as the douche in Wedding Crashers. For some reason I cannot look away and the obsession’s starting to get bad. I’ve started to think of the many ways we’d meet and fall in love and how I’d handle the press intrusion into our lives and what to do if our sex tape ever got leaked (which wouldn’t be the dirty kind by the way, more a video of me eating cheese and filming Bradley while he sleeps). So shit is bound to get weird and I’d just like to prepare you for it.

*In that great tradition of double-standards, my shit can be weird but I’d prefer if there are things you didn’t do. If you tend to eat chocolate cereal and just love when the milk turns all brown and tastes delish, please use your spoon to drink it and not go directly for the bowl. If you say shit like “catch you on the flip side” or pronounce croissant with a French accent even though you’re not French, it’s over. If you listen to Nickelback, haven’t watched 30 Rock or wear a peak cap backwards, it’s okay. Not everyone is perfect. But if you do all three, see ya!

*You have to like my gays. Unfortunately and fortunately I seem to attract the homosexuals. I think it’s my extreme penchant for ABBA, musicals and cocktails with dirty names. Instead of a moth I’m a disco ball and instead of a flame, they’re flaming queens. I don’t usually complain about my gays but it is discerning to note that most of my BBM contacts have Lady Gaga as their profile pictures. But they’re an important part of my life and I’ll need you to accept them. You don’t need to love them because then I’ll worry that I’ve turned another one but you do need to like them. Or at least pretend you do.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Mid-Week Highlights

*Being sick is very uncool. Particularly when you have no idea what is really wrong with you. It feels like the flu at times. Other times I’ve suffering from acid reflux. Most of the time I have horrible sinuses and body aches. Being doped up on meds is not helping either.

*We all have talents and one of mine seem to be the ability to make awesome cinnabuns. They’re smaller than the ones you buy at restaurants, they don’t have the cream cheese sauce and they never look like the ones in the recipe book. Yet, they’re still awesome.

*Tonight after work I’ll be having a hot stone massage. I’ll also be going for a wax but I’m less-excited about that.

*I have two serious cravings at the moment. Pizza and Snickers chocolate. I’ve had two pizzas over the weekend and am trying to avoid another carb-overload this weekend. I don’t think I need to explain the Snickers craving. It is after all the king of chocolates.

*I found my navy Country Road cardigan which I was sure was taken by someone with impeccable style and taste. Turns out it had taken refuge in my swimwear and exercise wear drawer. Serves me right for not going to gym so regularly. Now I’m on the lookout for my Spice Girls Greatest Hits and my 50s style black skirt. I want them back bitches.

*I have discovered I have a problem with people I just meet being over-familiar. I try not to let it bother too much as people cope with next situations and people in their own ways. But still, it tends to bug me.

Have a fab mid-week!

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Things That I ♥ and Things That Bug Me

Things that I ♥

My favourite fictional TV couple used to be Pam and Jim from The Office. They have been dethroned by Kevin and Scotty from Brothers & Sisters. They fight, they makeup, they love Lady Gaga and they’re both ridiculously good looking. Also they make for very entertaining TV.

The Quattro muffin from Vida. For those not familiar with it, it’s basically a four cheese muffin made by angels. It’s best served with a latte and heated up a bit so that the cheese melts. It doesn’t really go with my diet but you’ve got to live a little.

Lady Gaga’s Alejandro. It reminds me of Madonna’s Isla La Bonita and any reference to Madonna is a winner with me.

Things that bug me

The fact that I didn’t take the day off. Tomorrow is a public holiday and a long weekend would have been ideal. Our office is pretty deserted today except for the Johnny-Come-Latelys like myself who didn’t take leave in time.

People who eavesdrop into your conversation and then make comments. If we wanted your snide comments we’d invite you to the party. But seeing as this is Invite-Only, I’d prefer if you didn’t gate-crash.

The weather. One day it’s raining and I get to wear a lovely coat. Over the weekend it’s sunny and I got to rock a maxi dress. I don’t mind what the weather is, I have fabulous outfits to accommodate all types. What I would like is some consistency.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Images from weheartit

I'm Thinking About...

...if I meet Gordon Ramsay, I will tell him I love him and then ask him to use the F word repeatedly. It sounds so much sexier coming from him.

...I have a list of coworkers who bug me incessantly. And yet I have not sworn, shouted or thrown my printer at them. I have amazing restraint ;)

...If I had to have plastic surgery to look like any celeb, I’d either go for Rachel McAdams or Cheryl Cole. To me, they are beyond words pretty.

...I need to buy the Big Issue every month. It’s the little things that count.

...My new shoes are tres sexy secretary.

...Crazy good looking men (like models) make me so nervous I cannot stop talking. Worse I speak really loud and don’t make sense.

...Olivia Palermo is my new style icon.

...Massages are awesome. Having massages at work are friggin’ awesome.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Image via We Heart it.

This Year...

Third day back at work and am still crying out for my bed or to be at the beach.

Luckily work has not been too strenuous, in fact it’s pretty slow. This is normally a good thing, especially if I’ve come to work hung-over or feel like having a lazy day. I’m a bit sleepy today so the lack of deadlines is a great friend.

In order to stay awake and look productive in case any of the bosses stroll past my computer, I decided to make a list of things I should be doing this year. I don’t want to call them resolutions because I’m pretty crap with discipline and labeling them so will automatically give me the green light to forgo them. So instead I’m just trying to accomplish some stuff.

This year:

*I want to go to the gym four times a week.

*I want to watch what I eat (not in the “look how pretty the food is looking” way but seriously stop eating so much crap).

*I want to think before saying no to any requests. I don’t want to look back and regret things because I was not feeling up to it or I thought I couldn’t do it.

*I want to make small changes like switching from coke to coke light, to saying please and thank you more often, buying the Big Issue and to drink more water.

*I will not let grownup mean girls make me feel inferior. If you have a problem with the way I dress, act or the fact I’m getting more attention than you, then deal with it. That’s why it’s called your problem.

*I’m going to start saving money properly.

*I’m going to stay positive. No one likes a grumpy gills.

That’s just a bunch of things I want to try and do. I have more but am so afraid it’ll be too much too soon and then I’ll give up and you’ll find me eating bag after bag of chips with full-fat coke and no money.

Anything special you guys wanna do this year?

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Is there anything more annoying...

...than someone who uses more than one punctuation mark after a sentence.

Seriously, one exclamation mark gives the phrase or statement enough emphasis.

Adding triple question marks at the end does not make it any more of a query.

Learn your grammar bitches!

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Things That I ♥ and Things That Bug Me - The Little Things Edition

Things That I ♥:

At the moment, nothing can beat a slice of crispy toast with a smooth layer of peanut butter and a latte for lunch. Munching on this while reading a Marian Keyes book is heaven. And a great way to relax when work is hard to handle.

Gossip Girl season three. Oh how I’ve missed Blair and Chuck. They really make the show. Serena’s okay but her outfits are a little slutty and she pulls this weird face when she’s trying to be all serious. And yeah for Hilary Duff! I totally loved Lizzie Maguire even though I was too old for it. But I couldn’t help it, the cartoon character was sooo cute. And I liked her platform sandals.

Christmas is around the corner. I am so excited to celebrate a Christmas in my own home. It’s definitely my favourite time of year. Everyone is happy and nice to each other. And I always get this warm, fuzzy feeling. I cannot wait to go shopping for the tree for the flat.

Finding the Cruel Intentions soundtrack when I thought I’d lost it. OMG, it is still as awesome as the first time I heard it.

Pringles…the salt ‘n’ vinegar flavour. Enough said.

Things That Bug Me

Grown-up mean girls. Seriously high school is over. Why do you have to say mean things to me to make you feel better. Can’t you just say it about a celebrity like the rest of us. You’re in your thirties so perhaps it’s time to grow up.

Not having the money to go shopping. An oldie but still a good one. I’m trying to save for Christmas presents so as a result, there are no new clothes or shoes this month.

My horoscope not making sense. Are good things on the way? I know it’s the person’s job to be cryptic but a little bit of a hint wouldn’t hurt.

Not having any more episodes of Glee. I need to know what happens next.

Creepy guys. Enough said.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Am I The Only One...

...who finds utterly annoying when coworkers come up to your desk, look at you and then knock on what seems to be an invisible door and then wait for you to say "Come in."

I wish I could cower behind said invisible door and pretend not to be in like I do when my mom's weird friends came to visit and she wasn't home.

What's even more annoying is when they ask after knocking "Anybody home?"

Jeez Louise.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Things That I ♥ and Things That Bug Me

Things That I ♥:

I love dramatic makeup. I love smokey eyes even more. Unfortunately I have the sort of eyelids that cause my eyeliner to smudge and the eyeshadow to disappear into the crease. Very disappointing when I’m working a full day and want to show off my smokey purple look. Now I don’t have to worry about it. I recently purchased MAC’s Liquid Eye Liner in Boot Black and I have fallen in love. I can do thick or thin lines and neither smudge or rub off. I can even do winged tips and get them right on the first time. No more cotton buds and makeup remover for me.

Buying new underwear. I know I shouldn’t be spending unnecessary money. I should be trying to save for a fabulous holiday next year but sometimes I cannot resist. And considering that I went through the whole of the recent sale season without buying a thing, I need to charge me some happiness. Luckily I was still able to enjoy the last dregs of some sales. I went to one of those fancy shops in the Waterfront’s Millionaire Mile. Something I have not been able to do in a while due to my lack of funding. Halfway through the month I may not be able to go out but at least my knickers will look good.

The rainy weather. Gives me an excuse to wear a fabulous black knit over a LBD with some black boots (with eye liner of course). And also means I can have hot chocolate tonight with a marshmallow and not feel guilty. I mean, look at the weather. It’s hot chocolate weather.

Things That Bug Me:

Why does it seem like every second girl in Cape Town has a blunt fringe and bangs? And these are also the girls were think that wearing tights as pants is acceptable. It. Is. Not. Tights are not pants not matter how bitchin’ they look. And I’m serious on the last part, wet look tights are to die for. If you can afford the chopped layers and fringe lop surely you can afford a longer top to cover your tights ass seam. Or maybe a skirt. Better yet get some skinny jeans and they will have the same effect. And they will actually be pants.

Skinny Bitches watch a lot of TV. We’re those types of girls. We cannot afford satellite and our parents are being evil and will not buy it for us either. So we decided the next best thing was signing up for PushPlay. I think it’s the equivalent of the Netflix except you get them delivered to your home or office. Now PushPlay have this fabulous free week trial where you can have, at any time, three DVDs in your possession. Sounds awesome. Except we have signed up looking forward to watch some rom-coms over the weekend and nothing has arrived. What a let-down. In case anyone who works there is reading this, we will still use your service, mostly because your range of TV series is unrivaled. But please, be a love and send us some DVDs.

The rainy weather may be nice for my outfit of the day but it also makes my hair frizz. Also I want to stop wearing scarves and remembering to carry my umbrella. I want to see the sun and be warm and get a tan. And I want to buy fabulous pairs of gold and silver sandals.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!

Things That I ♥ and Things That Bug Me

Things I ♥:

Pride and Prejudice. Whether it’s the book, the Keira Knightley version, Bridget Jones adaptation or the one where Colin Firth dives into the lake. They are all amazing and all evoke good feelings inside the tummy.

How a pair of lumunious pink tights (like the pair I’m wearing today) can make your whole day better. Patterned stockings and brightly coloured tights with boots are totally going to be the things I will miss most about winter.

Getting to wear make-up again. I spent the whole of the weekend looking like a swamp creature. Finally my hair is straight and clean, my face is no longer pale and I can wear makeup again. I took full advantage of this fact but doubling the eyeliner and applying bronzer everywhere. I was so overdone for work and I didn’t even care!

Cupcakes. One of my favourite things about working where I do is that when it’s an employee’s birthday we get cakes. Lots of it. And right now, nothing tastes better than a chocolate cupcake. Mmm, there are even Astros on top. Today is going to be a good week, two birthdays to celebrate. Lots more cake.

Things That Bug Me

People who cannot express themselves articulately enough so they make every second word a curse. Now do not get me wrong, I have nothing against swearing. When I’m drunk, I sound like a fisherman’s wife. And sometimes there is no better answer to a shocking story than the F word. But if you feel the need to insert a cuss after every word

The fear of leaving the bathroom stall with my dress tucked into my knickers. It hasn’t happened yet but I’m petrified. Even more so, I doubt anyone would tell me as to be polite. Then I’d get home, Blue Eyes would say something and I’d be filled with mortification for a year. The only consolation I have is that I’ve thrown out all my ugly underwear and if it does happen, people will be getting a glimpse of some sexy lace numbers.

That for the first time in my life, I really, really want to go to gym and I cannot. The fat kid inside of me has been waiting for this to come forever and now thanks to my doctor I will only be working out next week. I may have gained a gazillion more kilos by then.

Boys who are bigger drama queens than girls. I am all about the drama, it’s one of the things that make me special. When someone else takes away my production time and that someone is not one of my beloved gays, then I get really mad. I have spent the last couple of hours listening to a grown man moan more than my two-year old nephew when it’s bath time. Are my ears bleeding? Because it certainly feels like that.

Ex-Oh! Ex-Oh!